I must admit, I have no idea how to write this post. I had a plan in mind: talk about the two week wait and all it entailed, wax eloquent about the encouragement I received from friends/family/even strangers, describe the doctor's visit in detail, then cue the drum roll and the big news. I have no more plan and certainly do not want a drum roll. I am not pregnant. There have been many tears shed this afternoon and lots of long tight hugs from my husband. Donny has been my "Jesus with skin on". That's what I used to call it when my Mom and Dad would step in to hold me as a little girl. I knew Jesus was there, but I needed someone to be "Jesus with skin on".
I began this blog in hopes that it might encourage another family that is struggling with infertility. That means sharing honestly, even when honesty hurts. So, I'll try to share a bit about the past two weeks. I had heard from other girls about the two week wait. You think, "two weeks, no problem!" Quickly it became apparent that this was no normal wait. When you wait for Christmas or your birthday, the outcome is guaranteed. You know it will happen and you are not looking for physical symptoms!
During the first week a twinge could prompt despair -"that felt like ovulation! We missed it by 4 days!"- or excitement " oh, good! There was another one. Maybe it's implantation cramps." That kept up most of the week. During that week I got a sweet encouraging call from my friend Jennifer, a sister in Christ who has been through the same battle with infertility. It was exactly what I needed a confirmation that I was NOT going nuts and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will always be grateful for that call!
The second week was tougher. Wednesday at 2:00 in the morning, I woke up to cramps. Those familiar if-you-don't-get-up-and-put-on-a-pad-you'll-be-sorry cramps that always herald mother nature's monthly gift. That was the last straw. I began to cry. Donny rolled over and asked, "Are you ok?" The dam broke. I sobbed into his shoulder, "I feel like I am about to start my period and if I start my period I am not pregnant and it didn't work!"
God is so sovereign. That morning at school I met with my prayer group. They prayed for me, cried with me, and hugged me. Knowing that they were there for me and knew what I was going though helped so much! I made a divinely appointed pocket dial to my sister Faith. She called me back, and hearing her voice was wonderful. She really is my best girl friend. Church that night was also very needed. More hugs and encouragement from my wonderful sisters in Christ.
Finally, Thursday, May 1st - today - arrived. Before I even left for school, Faith called to pray with me. Heather, my coworker for the past 5 years, texted me to let me know she was praying. When I arrived at school and was doing my morning set-up routine, Margie came into my room with a verse for me. She had stumbled across it this morning in her quiet time. It was the same one that my mom has been praying. Praying that God would bless our prayer for his rain of blessing with showers in abundance.
I left school at 11:30 and came home. Donny and I got lunch at Logan's and I started to relax a bit. We drove in to the doctor's office. I was nervous, but just glad that soon we'd have an answer. Oh, I couldn't have been more wrong. It turns out, they don't just do blood work then walk in and deliver the verdict. Dr. Steinkampf came in, reviewed our past visits, my blood work, and then dashed into our plans for the next step if my test was negative. I was shell shocked. Blood was drawn and before I knew it we were walking to the elevator. I almost lost it on the ride down. I had no answer, just a carbon copy of a check out sheet and a prescription for Clomid. The next step if I was not pregnant.
I sent Jennifer a text to try and sort things out. It turns out, you have to wait for a phone call with the results. The following two hours were worse than the entire two weeks. I literally sat on the back steps and rocked back and forth for part of it.
After my nerves reached a fevered pitch, the call came. Not pregnant. I tried to stay calm to write down the directions for the next cycle, Dr. Steinkampf had already told us, but I was waiting for or long awaited yes or no answer. My voice broke and the tears came. Poor nurse, I cannot imagine having to tell over-emotional women that the long wait has been fruitless.
I curled up in my chair at the table and sobbed. Needless to say, much of the evening was more of the same. I know God has a plan and a reason it did not work this time. That doesn't make it hurt less.
So, here is the next step in our journey. Dr. Steinkampf has proscribed a test cycle on Clomid to try and improve my progesterone levels and my ovulation. We won't do an insemination in May, just monitoring. If the tests look good in May, we will resume insemination in June. We are praying for rain and waiting expectantly for God's deluge.
