Hello friends. If I've left some of you in suspense this past week, I'm sorry! You remember that we got our exciting BFP call from Karen. The follow up blood work was great. My HCG levels were rising quickly. We scheduled our first ultrasound for December 10th at 2:30. Donny and I couldn't wait to see our baby for the first time! Unfortunately, I picked up a cold from one of my little darlings at school that kept me in bed the weekend before the appointment and forced my to take a sick day on Tuesday. I went to my general practitioner and founded out my cold had turned into a secondary infection. Ick! Morning sickness and nausea also struck. It's no fun to lose your breakfast in the driveway as you are trying to leave for work.
When Wednesday finally arrived, I was excited, but still feeling sick. I got through my half-day at school and went to Donny's office. The plan was to grab lunch together, hang out, then head to our appointment. I really wanted to enjoy the afternoon, but it was a struggle to get the broccoli cheddar soup down and sit up as we ate at Panera. We decided to go walk around Babies-R-Us (finally a happy visit to that store). As we cruised up and down the aisles packed with the mysterious accoutrements of parenthood I couldn't help feeling a little better. The stroller and car seat section was a source of lots of conversation. Donny patted the handle of a double stroller with a joking grin and said, " We'll needed two of these. One for you and one for me!" I laughed and kept walking. Oh, if I'd only known...
We arrived a little early for our ultrasound and Karen took us right back. I think she was just as excited as we were. As she inserted the probe, I watched the screen eagerly, expecting to see one or two dark spots. Ask she moved the probe around, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. There were several dark spots. "Well, this isn't exactly what I hoped to see," Karen began, "Can you tell how many we are looking at?"
I stared at the clear four-leaf clover on the screen, "four?"
"Yes, we are looking at four. That's more than I wanted to see. Let's get some measurements." She continued to reposition the probe, freeze images, and place little asterisks on the top, bottom, and sides of each little one. She paused over each tiny baby to point out a flickering dot, the heartbeat. All four babies had heartbeats and measured almost the same size - the correct size for 6 weeks and two days.
After the ultrasound I was given my first snapshot of my growing family and ushered into another exam room to talk with Dr. Steinkampf. Donny and I were grinning at each other as we waited and I couldn't stop giggling! It was a giddy high. When Dr. Steinkampf came in, he congratulated us with a cautious smile. He sat down and began to explain some of the concerns with multiples. Each extra baby subtracts an average of four weeks from the normal gestation. With quads - 3 extra babies - 12 weeks early is terrifying. Half of quadruplet pregnancy end in all four babies succumbing to prematurity.
Then he presented our "options":
1. Terminate the pregnancy and try again (NOT an option).
2. Attempt to carry a quad pregnancy (sounds about right, but "attempt" is a scary word).
3. Near the end of the first trimester, selectively reduce the pregnancy to twins (NOT AN OPTION).
He also said that sometimes one or more of the babies stop developing and re-absorb. He said we couldn't make any decisions now. We would return in a few weeks for another ultrasound and would then develop a plan if attack. I told him that Donny and I believed strongly in the sanctity of life and we would no reduce our pregnancy. Obviously we are not the first couple to tell him that. He didn't berate us, but he did say that you could make the case that reducing the pregnancy respects life by giving two babies a better chance at survival. This argument doesn't change our mind. God allowed four of six follicles to become babies. I will do everything in my power to carry all four of them as close to full term as possible.
I must admit, the prospect is very daunting. I am scared for my babies. I'm really not sure how we'll handle the day-to-day realities of caring for four, most likely premature, infants. Right now, I'm praying that all of the babies that are born will be healthy. I'm eating like a horse and sleeping every chance I get. I stay exhausted and get queasy and shakes, but thank goodness for nausea meds! Donny has been waiting on me hand-and-foot. He is my cheerleader and my hero. I have no idea what the future holds. We'll have more answers after of ultrasound on January 5th. Will we see 4 still? 3? 2? For now, I'll drink another glass of water, get a snack, and lie down! Mama is worn out!
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Monday, November 24, 2014
Counting Our Blessings
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I have been looking back on 2014. I had my students write about three things they were thankful for this past year. As they wrote, I mused. It was challenging to chose just three. I am so blessed, and though this year has had some ups and downs, I am grateful for ever step.
I am thankful for my husband, Donny. He has held my hand for every IUI. When they failed and I fell apart he held me. We have the same goofy, child-like sense of humor and have kept each other laughing. I am beyond grateful that God protected him during the rough blood sugar low. He is my hero. Thank goodness he could give me those icky injections!
I appreciate Alabama Fertility Specialists. Dr. Steinkampf has made solid, professional decisions in my treatment. I have never doubted his leading. Karen has been my fairy godmother, always bubbly and welcoming, a listening ear, and usually the one who performed each IUI. Leslie, the sweet smiling face behind the front desk who bravely delivered so many bad reports to me month after month. I could not do her job!
Finally, I am thankful for my baby. That's right friends! Today we heard the most wonderful news! We are pregnant! I was so nervous today before the appointment - terrified that the injections, our big guns, had failed. I'd been hurting more this cycle. This past week my lower abdomen and back had been hurting, sometimes sharp pains, other times a dull ache. The girls have been sore too. I tried to explain it all as injection side effects. By the time I got to the doctor's office I was shaking, I was so nervous. We had our normal visit - talk with Dr. Steinkampf, have blood drawn, and wait.
As we were leaving, Karen called down the hall, "Leigh! When we give you your positive, can we take Hawk's vest off and love on him?" That made me laugh. It turns out that she was right. About an hour and a half later I answered my phone and heard Karen on the other end. I instantly felt hope. Karen has never called to report my results before.
" Hi Leigh! Tell Hawk to get ready! Your whole fan club is here in the office to give you the news. You are so pregnant!"
All I could do was say, "really?", cry happy tears, and hug Donny. I could hear cheers in the background. What an amazing Thanksgiving! God is so good! Praise His name! His timing is perfect!
I am thankful for my husband, Donny. He has held my hand for every IUI. When they failed and I fell apart he held me. We have the same goofy, child-like sense of humor and have kept each other laughing. I am beyond grateful that God protected him during the rough blood sugar low. He is my hero. Thank goodness he could give me those icky injections!
I appreciate Alabama Fertility Specialists. Dr. Steinkampf has made solid, professional decisions in my treatment. I have never doubted his leading. Karen has been my fairy godmother, always bubbly and welcoming, a listening ear, and usually the one who performed each IUI. Leslie, the sweet smiling face behind the front desk who bravely delivered so many bad reports to me month after month. I could not do her job!
Finally, I am thankful for my baby. That's right friends! Today we heard the most wonderful news! We are pregnant! I was so nervous today before the appointment - terrified that the injections, our big guns, had failed. I'd been hurting more this cycle. This past week my lower abdomen and back had been hurting, sometimes sharp pains, other times a dull ache. The girls have been sore too. I tried to explain it all as injection side effects. By the time I got to the doctor's office I was shaking, I was so nervous. We had our normal visit - talk with Dr. Steinkampf, have blood drawn, and wait.
As we were leaving, Karen called down the hall, "Leigh! When we give you your positive, can we take Hawk's vest off and love on him?" That made me laugh. It turns out that she was right. About an hour and a half later I answered my phone and heard Karen on the other end. I instantly felt hope. Karen has never called to report my results before.
" Hi Leigh! Tell Hawk to get ready! Your whole fan club is here in the office to give you the news. You are so pregnant!"
All I could do was say, "really?", cry happy tears, and hug Donny. I could hear cheers in the background. What an amazing Thanksgiving! God is so good! Praise His name! His timing is perfect!
Monday, November 10, 2014
Shots, it had to be shots!
Everyone knows that scene in Indiana Jones. The daring hero who faces soldiers without fear stares in horror at a snake. Needles are my snakes. I've gotten better about having blood drawn thanks to our RE visits. They want blood almost every time I step through the door. I used to shake when a nurse came up with a syringe, now I just look the other way, take deep breaths and count - one, one thousand, two, one thousand, three, one thousand. This cycle was a new challenge. Since Clomid turned out to be a failure for me, we moved to ultrasound monitoring and injections.
On day two of my cycle I went in for a baseline ultrasound to check my ovaries and ensure there were no cysts. These ultrasounds are not the gel-on-the-belly knees you see on movies. Instead it is internal. Pretty uncomfortable on cycle day two! When that probe is pushing into you achy ovary you want to kick the operator. It's like when you've got a nasty bruise and someone keeps poking it. Even though it felt like something had to be wrong with my poor sore ovaries, Karen said I was good to start the new regimen.
Donny and I drove to Southern Pharmaceuticals in Irondale to pick up the injections and supplies. Then it started to become real. I was carrying a bag with alcohol prep swabs, a follistim injection pen, needles, follistim cartridge, pregnly, and a sharps disposal container. Sunday evening I put together the pen, dialed up up the correct dose, swabbed my stomach to the right of my belly button, and grasped the pen. I was determined to administer the shot myself, but as I stared at the needles my resolve wavered. I changed my grip, steeling myself. And I couldn't do it! I walked into the living room, handed the pen to Donny, and had him give the injection. Then, because I'd worked myself up, I burst into tears.
I didn't try again. Donny gave me the shot every night: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Then Friday morning I went in for a follow-up ultrasound. Karen said I'd responded beautifully to the injections. I watched as she measured the follicles on the ultrasound screen, placing little plus-shaped cursors at the top, bottom, and sides of the follicles. She said they want the follicles to measure 1.6 centimeters and mine ranged from 1.2 - 1.4 cm. Karen said one more follistim injection should put them at exactly the right size. She didn't tell me how many follicles she saw, but I counted six as she measured. She instructed that we do a follistim shot Friday night, the trigger shot of Pregnyl on Saturday night. Our sixth IUI was scheduled for Monday. Only two more shots! The end was in sight! The trigger shot was the worst of the set. There was so much more medicine in that dose, Donny had to go more slowly. I ended up with a big bruise from that one, nasty red and purple.
This morning we went in for the IUI. Those have become old hat by now. I know exactly what to expect. This time, I was surprised by the discomfort level. I guess things in there are more inflamed then I realized. Things that are normally mildly uncomfortable hurt. The speculum made me have to controlled breathe and mentally coach myself through. I have to admit I teared up once Karen was out of the room. Donny grabbed my hand and prayed as I lay there on the table. He is my coach, my nurse, my cheerleader, my leader, and my love. I can't imagine doing this without him.
I want to be positive about this cycle, but I'm having trouble. Five previous negatives make it hard to get excited. Donny is the one who is staying positive for both of us. It does help that I was able to actually see the follicles. The last cycles we had blood work and ovulation test kit results that said I was ovulating, now I know I am. Now we pray and wait.
On day two of my cycle I went in for a baseline ultrasound to check my ovaries and ensure there were no cysts. These ultrasounds are not the gel-on-the-belly knees you see on movies. Instead it is internal. Pretty uncomfortable on cycle day two! When that probe is pushing into you achy ovary you want to kick the operator. It's like when you've got a nasty bruise and someone keeps poking it. Even though it felt like something had to be wrong with my poor sore ovaries, Karen said I was good to start the new regimen.
Donny and I drove to Southern Pharmaceuticals in Irondale to pick up the injections and supplies. Then it started to become real. I was carrying a bag with alcohol prep swabs, a follistim injection pen, needles, follistim cartridge, pregnly, and a sharps disposal container. Sunday evening I put together the pen, dialed up up the correct dose, swabbed my stomach to the right of my belly button, and grasped the pen. I was determined to administer the shot myself, but as I stared at the needles my resolve wavered. I changed my grip, steeling myself. And I couldn't do it! I walked into the living room, handed the pen to Donny, and had him give the injection. Then, because I'd worked myself up, I burst into tears.
I didn't try again. Donny gave me the shot every night: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Then Friday morning I went in for a follow-up ultrasound. Karen said I'd responded beautifully to the injections. I watched as she measured the follicles on the ultrasound screen, placing little plus-shaped cursors at the top, bottom, and sides of the follicles. She said they want the follicles to measure 1.6 centimeters and mine ranged from 1.2 - 1.4 cm. Karen said one more follistim injection should put them at exactly the right size. She didn't tell me how many follicles she saw, but I counted six as she measured. She instructed that we do a follistim shot Friday night, the trigger shot of Pregnyl on Saturday night. Our sixth IUI was scheduled for Monday. Only two more shots! The end was in sight! The trigger shot was the worst of the set. There was so much more medicine in that dose, Donny had to go more slowly. I ended up with a big bruise from that one, nasty red and purple.
This morning we went in for the IUI. Those have become old hat by now. I know exactly what to expect. This time, I was surprised by the discomfort level. I guess things in there are more inflamed then I realized. Things that are normally mildly uncomfortable hurt. The speculum made me have to controlled breathe and mentally coach myself through. I have to admit I teared up once Karen was out of the room. Donny grabbed my hand and prayed as I lay there on the table. He is my coach, my nurse, my cheerleader, my leader, and my love. I can't imagine doing this without him.
I want to be positive about this cycle, but I'm having trouble. Five previous negatives make it hard to get excited. Donny is the one who is staying positive for both of us. It does help that I was able to actually see the follicles. The last cycles we had blood work and ovulation test kit results that said I was ovulating, now I know I am. Now we pray and wait.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Adversity in All Forms
So much has happened friends...SO much. I have waited to blog the past couple of weeks because I didn't really know how to share the events without upsetting dear friends. As I waited, even more occurred! Originally, I was playing with a three point, alliterated sermon-style post - Prophecy, Prayer, and Praise. I know... you're impressed :). The more I rolled that around my mind, the more ridiculous it sounded. Donny and I have encountered tests of spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical natures the past couple of weeks. Through every single test, we have grown and God has proved himself faithful. Are you ready for the whole kit-n-caboodle? Here it goes.
Three weekends ago, Donny and I were blessed to host in our home one of his childhood best friends and his spouse. I was braced a little for the weekend, because this wonderful couple is expecting their first child next year. Those of you who have been following my journey from the beginning know how tough it is to be happy for another expectant couple without feeling the pain of your own empty arms. Saturday went beautifully. We had a great time doing "tourist-y" things around Birmingham. It really is fun to play tourist in your own town. Then we came home in time to watch Mississippi State stomp Auburn (ouch, War Eagle anyway). Donny was over the moon. He LOVES his bulldogs :) Sunday also seemed to be going smoothly, beautifully even. The sweet wife prayed over me tearfully, holding me up to the Lord. Praying that Donny and I be blessed with a child. It was truly touching. I teared up.
And then...isn't if funny how quickly things shift... and then, Sunday evening as we sat around in the living room chatting childhood friend began to ask about whether we believed God could heal Donny and allow us to have kids. I braced myself for the completely well-intentioned advice I knew we were about to receive. Donny answered for us, cutting his eyes over at me to assess how I was handling the turn the conversation had taken, "of course we believe that God could heal him if He wanted to." Then over the course of several minutes, this friend told us that God had revealed to him that Donny and I would have a biological child that was not the result of donor sperm and IUI. THAT I was NOT expecting to hear. I thought it would be the typical "just relax, it will happen when you least expect it" advice that makes me want to claw out eyeballs, but just gets a gracious smile and nod. I'm a steel magnolia. Every southern girl knows the smile-and-nod routine.
I could feel the blood rushing into my face, tears fought to pour from my eyes. I have never in my life felt to incredibly torn between my gut reaction and my faith. I wanted to scream at him, "How dare you! Do you have any idea the pain you have just inflicted! Don't pretend you understand! You are expecting a baby!" The other side of me was in pain too, but completely different. "Are we out of God's will? Did we spend ALL that money on sperm, IUIs, doctor consultations, and HSG for nothing? I can't say God did not tell him that!" Childhood friend turned to me and asked if I believed (at least, I think that's what he asked, the world was swimming before my eyes). I leaped out of my seat, simultaneously starting to sob. I said something to the tune of "I'm sorry, I can't listen to this" and ran out to the barn.
An obliging pile of lumber provided a seat, I pulled my knees to my chest, and sobbed. Loud, uncontrolled, gasping, heaving sobs. If the neighbor had been in her backyard she would have thought someone died. A little while Donny found me, I was still sobbing. I told him he'd have to see our guests off because I couldn't go back inside.
I struggled with the prophecy for the next couple of days. I cried a lot. I sought God. My sister came over and prayed with me. Mom prayed with me over the phone several times. Donny prayed with me. I sought advice from other believers that I trust. I was broken by the thought that I could be out of God's will. If I went ahead in November with the ultrasound monitoring and injections, was that rebelling against God's plan? I knew that the friend really, truly believed he had a word from God that had to be shared.
Monday evening was the breakthrough. I had just cried again and Donny had prayed over me. I had prayed. I sat on the couch trying to calm my breathing and get rid of the runny nose and mascara raccoon eyes when God stepped in.
"Do you really think I'm that weak?"
"Weak Lord?"
"Do you really think I'm so weak that something you do, or don't do, will mess up my plan?"
Wow! What relief! What freedom! I could feel the oppressive weight I'd been struggling under lift off my shoulders. So what did I do? I'm a girl. What do you think? CRIED! Again! But this time in gratitude to a Lord who is not cruel. Who does not play hide-and-seek with his children who are truly seeking His will. We have sought his will in every single step of this journey. He is not hiding it from us and he has not shut doors. We just have to trust and keep walking until a door closes and he opens the next route.
God gave me a week to marinate on that new learning. To praise him for his strength and wisdom and enjoy the freedom from doubt. Then the new tests came. Let's just say that teaching is not the cute profession that it is portrayed as on movies, television, and in books. The hours are long. It is exhausting in every possible way. I had a week of testing that required me to again lean heavily on the Lord. He again proved himself faithful. I was tired and looking forward to a weekend to physically, mentally, and emotionally recuperate. My wise sister told me something the Lord has been teaching her this year. If you don't have adversity, then you don't have an adversary. If you don't have an adversary (as a Christian) you are doing something wrong. You are attacked when you are being effective for God's kingdom! That's when Satan finds you to be a threat and throws his darts your way. The previous Sunday I'd taught about the Armor of God in children's church, another example of God's perfect timing. I was outfitted with the equipment I needed to extinguish those flaming darts. Then, just to see if I was paying attention, another test reared its head!
Donny got up early on Saturday, around 6:30. I was determined to sleep. I asked if he was OK. He said yes, he was just awake. So I snuggled deeper under my pile of blankets and shut my eyes. Around 7ish he turned on the TV in the living room - a bit more loudly than usual. He is very considerate when I need to sleep late, often turning the volume all the way down. I got up, stumbled in the living room and again asked if he was OK. He said he was so I asked him to turn down the volume and went back to bed. Around 8:05 I woke up to the sound of his cell phone alarm. He has alarms set at remind him to test his blood glucose level. I ignored it. It kept going off. I waited and listened. The beeping continued.
I got out of bed and came into the living room to find Donny in his recliner, staring at the ceiling, soaked in sweat, and completely unresponsive. He had a plate of almost untouched food sitting on his stomach. He'd crashed so quickly that he wasn't even eating. His pump was still connected, so I took it off then ran into the kitchen and dashed back with his tabs. Even when he's unresponsive, he'll instinctively chew the glucose tabs. I fed him five, pausing between each one, hoping they'd take effect. Then he began to seize. I was praying aloud, holding his shoulders, crying. The glucagon rescue shot was in the medicine cabinet. I snatched it off the top shelf. As I attempted to mix the liquid from the syringe with the powder in the vial, I bent the needle. In case you don't know, those vials have metal tops! I was able to straighten it back out and draw up the dose. Then came the worst part. I'd never had to give Donny a shot before. When I swabbed his thigh, the cold of the swab made him seize harder. I sobbed and apologized aloud as I pushed that long needle in. The seizures didn't ease up. I grabbed Donny's phone and dialed 911.
In what felt like forever, but was really only a couple of minutes, a team of three paramedics from the nearby fire station arrived along with three ambulance personnel. Donny continued to shake and his breathing was ragged. They quickly got an IV drip going. When they tested his blood glucose, I had come back to 67. I hadn't even tested before. Most likely a number wouldn't have even registered when I found him. Most monitors eventually stop showing a number and just say "low" or "high" if it is out of range. After a few minutes on the drip, Donny winked at me. He doesn't even remember doing it, but that was when I knew he was going to be OK. A few minutes after that, he was able to tell the clipboard paramedic his social security number. Whew. The worst was over.
The medics wanted to take Donny to the hospital in the ambulance, but since we knew exactly the cause of his seizures - extremely low blood sugar - we opted to call his endocrinologist from home. Of course, when the six medical personnel vacated my living room, I fell to bits! Even steel magnolias have a breaking point! By 11:00 you would have had no idea that anything had happened. Donny was completely back to himself. I took a little longer to recover. My sweet sister had been visiting my parents in Opelika and delivered Chuck's Barbecue from home for dinner. She is exactly right, it IS comfort food and no one else does barbecue like Mr. Chuck! His Brunswick stew is thick, warm, and PERFECT!
So, that's my past couple of weeks, trial by fire. These periods of pain, prayer, and brokenness have taught me more than I could possibly learn in the easy times that go just according to plan. My God is faithful. He does not ignore his children when they cry out in pain, fear, or frustration. He loves. He comforts, He protects. Praise the Lord! I can say, with complete confidence, that I am thankful for the past two weeks. I have seen God spare my husband's life by waking me up at exactly the right time. I have seen him mend my broken heart and strengthen me with the promise that He will not hide his will from me. I cannot mess up his plan in my weak bumbling. So I take a deep breath say, "Lord, whatever's next, I'm hanging on for dear life. Let's go! Onward and upward!."
Three weekends ago, Donny and I were blessed to host in our home one of his childhood best friends and his spouse. I was braced a little for the weekend, because this wonderful couple is expecting their first child next year. Those of you who have been following my journey from the beginning know how tough it is to be happy for another expectant couple without feeling the pain of your own empty arms. Saturday went beautifully. We had a great time doing "tourist-y" things around Birmingham. It really is fun to play tourist in your own town. Then we came home in time to watch Mississippi State stomp Auburn (ouch, War Eagle anyway). Donny was over the moon. He LOVES his bulldogs :) Sunday also seemed to be going smoothly, beautifully even. The sweet wife prayed over me tearfully, holding me up to the Lord. Praying that Donny and I be blessed with a child. It was truly touching. I teared up.
And then...isn't if funny how quickly things shift... and then, Sunday evening as we sat around in the living room chatting childhood friend began to ask about whether we believed God could heal Donny and allow us to have kids. I braced myself for the completely well-intentioned advice I knew we were about to receive. Donny answered for us, cutting his eyes over at me to assess how I was handling the turn the conversation had taken, "of course we believe that God could heal him if He wanted to." Then over the course of several minutes, this friend told us that God had revealed to him that Donny and I would have a biological child that was not the result of donor sperm and IUI. THAT I was NOT expecting to hear. I thought it would be the typical "just relax, it will happen when you least expect it" advice that makes me want to claw out eyeballs, but just gets a gracious smile and nod. I'm a steel magnolia. Every southern girl knows the smile-and-nod routine.
I could feel the blood rushing into my face, tears fought to pour from my eyes. I have never in my life felt to incredibly torn between my gut reaction and my faith. I wanted to scream at him, "How dare you! Do you have any idea the pain you have just inflicted! Don't pretend you understand! You are expecting a baby!" The other side of me was in pain too, but completely different. "Are we out of God's will? Did we spend ALL that money on sperm, IUIs, doctor consultations, and HSG for nothing? I can't say God did not tell him that!" Childhood friend turned to me and asked if I believed (at least, I think that's what he asked, the world was swimming before my eyes). I leaped out of my seat, simultaneously starting to sob. I said something to the tune of "I'm sorry, I can't listen to this" and ran out to the barn.
An obliging pile of lumber provided a seat, I pulled my knees to my chest, and sobbed. Loud, uncontrolled, gasping, heaving sobs. If the neighbor had been in her backyard she would have thought someone died. A little while Donny found me, I was still sobbing. I told him he'd have to see our guests off because I couldn't go back inside.
I struggled with the prophecy for the next couple of days. I cried a lot. I sought God. My sister came over and prayed with me. Mom prayed with me over the phone several times. Donny prayed with me. I sought advice from other believers that I trust. I was broken by the thought that I could be out of God's will. If I went ahead in November with the ultrasound monitoring and injections, was that rebelling against God's plan? I knew that the friend really, truly believed he had a word from God that had to be shared.
Monday evening was the breakthrough. I had just cried again and Donny had prayed over me. I had prayed. I sat on the couch trying to calm my breathing and get rid of the runny nose and mascara raccoon eyes when God stepped in.
"Do you really think I'm that weak?"
"Weak Lord?"
"Do you really think I'm so weak that something you do, or don't do, will mess up my plan?"
Wow! What relief! What freedom! I could feel the oppressive weight I'd been struggling under lift off my shoulders. So what did I do? I'm a girl. What do you think? CRIED! Again! But this time in gratitude to a Lord who is not cruel. Who does not play hide-and-seek with his children who are truly seeking His will. We have sought his will in every single step of this journey. He is not hiding it from us and he has not shut doors. We just have to trust and keep walking until a door closes and he opens the next route.
God gave me a week to marinate on that new learning. To praise him for his strength and wisdom and enjoy the freedom from doubt. Then the new tests came. Let's just say that teaching is not the cute profession that it is portrayed as on movies, television, and in books. The hours are long. It is exhausting in every possible way. I had a week of testing that required me to again lean heavily on the Lord. He again proved himself faithful. I was tired and looking forward to a weekend to physically, mentally, and emotionally recuperate. My wise sister told me something the Lord has been teaching her this year. If you don't have adversity, then you don't have an adversary. If you don't have an adversary (as a Christian) you are doing something wrong. You are attacked when you are being effective for God's kingdom! That's when Satan finds you to be a threat and throws his darts your way. The previous Sunday I'd taught about the Armor of God in children's church, another example of God's perfect timing. I was outfitted with the equipment I needed to extinguish those flaming darts. Then, just to see if I was paying attention, another test reared its head!
Donny got up early on Saturday, around 6:30. I was determined to sleep. I asked if he was OK. He said yes, he was just awake. So I snuggled deeper under my pile of blankets and shut my eyes. Around 7ish he turned on the TV in the living room - a bit more loudly than usual. He is very considerate when I need to sleep late, often turning the volume all the way down. I got up, stumbled in the living room and again asked if he was OK. He said he was so I asked him to turn down the volume and went back to bed. Around 8:05 I woke up to the sound of his cell phone alarm. He has alarms set at remind him to test his blood glucose level. I ignored it. It kept going off. I waited and listened. The beeping continued.
I got out of bed and came into the living room to find Donny in his recliner, staring at the ceiling, soaked in sweat, and completely unresponsive. He had a plate of almost untouched food sitting on his stomach. He'd crashed so quickly that he wasn't even eating. His pump was still connected, so I took it off then ran into the kitchen and dashed back with his tabs. Even when he's unresponsive, he'll instinctively chew the glucose tabs. I fed him five, pausing between each one, hoping they'd take effect. Then he began to seize. I was praying aloud, holding his shoulders, crying. The glucagon rescue shot was in the medicine cabinet. I snatched it off the top shelf. As I attempted to mix the liquid from the syringe with the powder in the vial, I bent the needle. In case you don't know, those vials have metal tops! I was able to straighten it back out and draw up the dose. Then came the worst part. I'd never had to give Donny a shot before. When I swabbed his thigh, the cold of the swab made him seize harder. I sobbed and apologized aloud as I pushed that long needle in. The seizures didn't ease up. I grabbed Donny's phone and dialed 911.
In what felt like forever, but was really only a couple of minutes, a team of three paramedics from the nearby fire station arrived along with three ambulance personnel. Donny continued to shake and his breathing was ragged. They quickly got an IV drip going. When they tested his blood glucose, I had come back to 67. I hadn't even tested before. Most likely a number wouldn't have even registered when I found him. Most monitors eventually stop showing a number and just say "low" or "high" if it is out of range. After a few minutes on the drip, Donny winked at me. He doesn't even remember doing it, but that was when I knew he was going to be OK. A few minutes after that, he was able to tell the clipboard paramedic his social security number. Whew. The worst was over.
The medics wanted to take Donny to the hospital in the ambulance, but since we knew exactly the cause of his seizures - extremely low blood sugar - we opted to call his endocrinologist from home. Of course, when the six medical personnel vacated my living room, I fell to bits! Even steel magnolias have a breaking point! By 11:00 you would have had no idea that anything had happened. Donny was completely back to himself. I took a little longer to recover. My sweet sister had been visiting my parents in Opelika and delivered Chuck's Barbecue from home for dinner. She is exactly right, it IS comfort food and no one else does barbecue like Mr. Chuck! His Brunswick stew is thick, warm, and PERFECT!
So, that's my past couple of weeks, trial by fire. These periods of pain, prayer, and brokenness have taught me more than I could possibly learn in the easy times that go just according to plan. My God is faithful. He does not ignore his children when they cry out in pain, fear, or frustration. He loves. He comforts, He protects. Praise the Lord! I can say, with complete confidence, that I am thankful for the past two weeks. I have seen God spare my husband's life by waking me up at exactly the right time. I have seen him mend my broken heart and strengthen me with the promise that He will not hide his will from me. I cannot mess up his plan in my weak bumbling. So I take a deep breath say, "Lord, whatever's next, I'm hanging on for dear life. Let's go! Onward and upward!."
Monday, September 29, 2014
Broken
I am going out on a limb here. It very well may break and I'll fall flat on my "tabumpty", as my mom would say, but here it goes. I'm struggling with anger. Anger at God for this whole infertility mess. I've been patient. I've persevered. I've praised in the middle of the valley. I've prayed for a child, for this IUI to work. And what is the result? Another big fat negative. I was so sure this was the one. This was our last attempt on Clomid before moving to more aggressive treatment.
We went for our follow up today instead of just doing a home test because of the Clomid side effects this month. I can't do another month of Clomid. After letting Dr. Steinkampf know that we are down to our last three IUIs for the life of our insurance policy and the Clomid was making me sick, he decided to change my treatment. I will take a month off to let the Clomid mostly clear my system then I'll have ultrasound monitoring and daily injections of Bravelle until my follicles look mature. Then I'll give a shot to trigger ovulation and go in for an IUI 36 hours later. Sound scary? Yep, to me too.
I was hoping against hope that this IUI worked and I could avoid this intense regimen, but it didn't. I'll have to miss a lot more half days of school to go in for ultrasound monitoring. When I got the call, "I'm sorry Mrs. Mott, your test was negative," and the news began to sank in I got angry. I feel broken. God made the human reproductive system for crying out loud. Every test so far has been clear. Everyone who has done an IUI on me has said I have a "perfect cervix". I ended up sobbing out my anger against Donny's chest. He tried to point me to scripture and remind me God had a plan. I couldn't listen. I was furious.
Nothing Donny said was getting through and I could feel my guts twisting into knots. Finally I decided to go for a walk, a long angry, stompy walk. I walked to the park and started around the track. If I'd been in the middle of nowhere I would have ugly-cried the whole way, but I was sharing Leeds Memorial Park with several joggers and strolling seniors. I argued with God, or more like fussed at God as I sped around the track. I threw every reason at him why I should be pregnant after this attempt, wrapping up my brilliant tirade with, "why not now God? Why?"
"It isn't time."
The angry child pounding her fists on the chest of her King turned into a weeping, exhausted woman in the arms of her forgiving, understanding, loving Lord. I sat down on a rock outcropping and continued to cry out. The anger didn't vanish by any means, but I had permission to talk it out. God understands. He allows us to hide in him and cry out our anger, frustration, and broken dreams. I'm still far from ok, I'm broken. But God understands. He has a plan. This was not the time.
We went for our follow up today instead of just doing a home test because of the Clomid side effects this month. I can't do another month of Clomid. After letting Dr. Steinkampf know that we are down to our last three IUIs for the life of our insurance policy and the Clomid was making me sick, he decided to change my treatment. I will take a month off to let the Clomid mostly clear my system then I'll have ultrasound monitoring and daily injections of Bravelle until my follicles look mature. Then I'll give a shot to trigger ovulation and go in for an IUI 36 hours later. Sound scary? Yep, to me too.
I was hoping against hope that this IUI worked and I could avoid this intense regimen, but it didn't. I'll have to miss a lot more half days of school to go in for ultrasound monitoring. When I got the call, "I'm sorry Mrs. Mott, your test was negative," and the news began to sank in I got angry. I feel broken. God made the human reproductive system for crying out loud. Every test so far has been clear. Everyone who has done an IUI on me has said I have a "perfect cervix". I ended up sobbing out my anger against Donny's chest. He tried to point me to scripture and remind me God had a plan. I couldn't listen. I was furious.
Nothing Donny said was getting through and I could feel my guts twisting into knots. Finally I decided to go for a walk, a long angry, stompy walk. I walked to the park and started around the track. If I'd been in the middle of nowhere I would have ugly-cried the whole way, but I was sharing Leeds Memorial Park with several joggers and strolling seniors. I argued with God, or more like fussed at God as I sped around the track. I threw every reason at him why I should be pregnant after this attempt, wrapping up my brilliant tirade with, "why not now God? Why?"
"It isn't time."
The angry child pounding her fists on the chest of her King turned into a weeping, exhausted woman in the arms of her forgiving, understanding, loving Lord. I sat down on a rock outcropping and continued to cry out. The anger didn't vanish by any means, but I had permission to talk it out. God understands. He allows us to hide in him and cry out our anger, frustration, and broken dreams. I'm still far from ok, I'm broken. But God understands. He has a plan. This was not the time.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Fifth attempt
This morning I had my fifth IUI. It's strange, I'm not excited this time. Instead of thinking about a maybe baby, I am spending more time thinking about the next cycle. I think when I finally do get pregnant I'll just be shocked. I feel like I'm just stuck in a pattern of trying to get pregnant.
Clomid has decided not to be my friend this month. In fact, it's been downright nasty! My period cramps were worse and lasted longer. I had bouts of nausea, one time so day I thought I was going to throw up in front of my classroom! Last night I was really dizzy and today my lower abdomen has been achy. That wasn't terribly helpful today with the IUI. Normally I cramp a little, but the achy-ness has made it more uncomfortable this afternoon. Added to that is the crazy emotional swings. I get stressed - really stressed- easily. I want to cry at the drop of a hat. I'm so sick of it!
I spoke with Karen about it when she did my IUI and she said there are other meds we can try, possibly even injections. We'll go back in in two weeks and talk with Dr. Steinkampf about our options. We are approved for 2-3 more IUIs, but our insurance will only cover 3 more IUIs. We have some major decisions coming up.
I have found a support group on Facebook this past week for women and their families who are trying to conceive through IUI. It has been wonderful to find a community of 900+ women who are all on the same crazy roller coaster ride. Now my Facebook feed is not just endless baby pics and pregnancy announcements from proud parents. In the mix, I now see posts from girls hopefully beginning new cycles, dealing with heartbreaking disappointment from failed cycles, and occasionally sharing a BFP to give the rest of us hope. I have never been alone in this process thanks to my God, my wonderful Donny, and my family. Now I have an entire army of fellow combatants in the infertility battle.
Thanks to all of you who have been keeping up with me through this mess. Your calls, letters, facebook messages, emails, and words of encouragement have meant the world to me. Please keep the prayers coming! I am so thankful for each of you prayer warriors!
Clomid has decided not to be my friend this month. In fact, it's been downright nasty! My period cramps were worse and lasted longer. I had bouts of nausea, one time so day I thought I was going to throw up in front of my classroom! Last night I was really dizzy and today my lower abdomen has been achy. That wasn't terribly helpful today with the IUI. Normally I cramp a little, but the achy-ness has made it more uncomfortable this afternoon. Added to that is the crazy emotional swings. I get stressed - really stressed- easily. I want to cry at the drop of a hat. I'm so sick of it!
I spoke with Karen about it when she did my IUI and she said there are other meds we can try, possibly even injections. We'll go back in in two weeks and talk with Dr. Steinkampf about our options. We are approved for 2-3 more IUIs, but our insurance will only cover 3 more IUIs. We have some major decisions coming up.
I have found a support group on Facebook this past week for women and their families who are trying to conceive through IUI. It has been wonderful to find a community of 900+ women who are all on the same crazy roller coaster ride. Now my Facebook feed is not just endless baby pics and pregnancy announcements from proud parents. In the mix, I now see posts from girls hopefully beginning new cycles, dealing with heartbreaking disappointment from failed cycles, and occasionally sharing a BFP to give the rest of us hope. I have never been alone in this process thanks to my God, my wonderful Donny, and my family. Now I have an entire army of fellow combatants in the infertility battle.
Thanks to all of you who have been keeping up with me through this mess. Your calls, letters, facebook messages, emails, and words of encouragement have meant the world to me. Please keep the prayers coming! I am so thankful for each of you prayer warriors!
Monday, September 1, 2014
Unwelcome Visit
Not matter how much I make it clear she is not welcome, she comes anyway! I beg. I threaten. I plead and still she arrives - Aunt Flo. This time she decided to be cruel and arrive a couple of days late, day 32 instead of day 30. I knew she was on her way. Two negative tests don't lie, but it still gives you a tiny ray of hope when the icky monthly visit is delayed.
So we're back to square one. New sperm ordered and Clomid refill called in. We decided to swap donors since the last three IUIs were all with the same donor. On a better note, our original donor had vials available and is listed as having successful pregnancies.
The biggest difference this time is my reaction to the failed IUI. I am incredibly disappointed, but I am just sick of having a meltdown when I get the bad news. I don't like the person I become, curled up in a ball sobbing my eyes out. I have shed a few tears, but only a few. I have to find another way to handle the negative tests. I don't know how else to handle it.
A fourth failed IUI is really starting to make me question if I am capable of getting pregnant. I know the medical tests say otherwise. HSG said I am wide open and clean. Blood work says that I have plenty of remaining eggs and my progesterone levels are good. I know in my head that I could still get pregnant in the next 2 - 3 attempts, but my heart is seriously beginning to doubt.
How many times should we try? When do we move to adoption? How often can I ask my parents and in-laws to financially help with our quest to become parents? There are a lot more questions than answers right now. My comfort is my God! I may not have the answers or know the plan, but God does. I do wish he'd give me a peek. I know there is a reason that it is taking so many disappointments. Nothing is coincidence, but is controlled my loving, holy, and wise God. One day I'll look back and be amazed. For now, I am hanging on and trusting in His plan.
So we're back to square one. New sperm ordered and Clomid refill called in. We decided to swap donors since the last three IUIs were all with the same donor. On a better note, our original donor had vials available and is listed as having successful pregnancies.
The biggest difference this time is my reaction to the failed IUI. I am incredibly disappointed, but I am just sick of having a meltdown when I get the bad news. I don't like the person I become, curled up in a ball sobbing my eyes out. I have shed a few tears, but only a few. I have to find another way to handle the negative tests. I don't know how else to handle it.
A fourth failed IUI is really starting to make me question if I am capable of getting pregnant. I know the medical tests say otherwise. HSG said I am wide open and clean. Blood work says that I have plenty of remaining eggs and my progesterone levels are good. I know in my head that I could still get pregnant in the next 2 - 3 attempts, but my heart is seriously beginning to doubt.
How many times should we try? When do we move to adoption? How often can I ask my parents and in-laws to financially help with our quest to become parents? There are a lot more questions than answers right now. My comfort is my God! I may not have the answers or know the plan, but God does. I do wish he'd give me a peek. I know there is a reason that it is taking so many disappointments. Nothing is coincidence, but is controlled my loving, holy, and wise God. One day I'll look back and be amazed. For now, I am hanging on and trusting in His plan.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
4th verse, same as the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd
Whew, being back in school has kept me incredibly busy the past couple of weeks. I haven't had time to update all of you on our on going journey to parenthood. I had my fourth IUI on Sunday the 17th. Because it was a Sunday I saw the on-call doctor who happened to be Dr. Malizia. My cycle was actually synced to the month, that made it the 17th day of my cycle and the latest I've ovulated so far. I was nervous about that, but when I asked Dr. Malizia about it she was not concerned. The procedure went perfectly and we were out the door in about 40 minutes. Now everyone in the office that is qualified to get me pregnant has tried.
When I called Tuesday to make my follow up appointment I was told that since Dr. Steinkampf has approved me for three more IUI procedures and has been happy with my past levels, I won't need to come in two weeks after my IUIs anymore. I will have blood drawn for a progesterone level on Monday and then do a home pregnancy test on Sunday the 31st. After that I'll either wait for my next IUI or go in for pregnancy blood work.
I have to admit, being back in school makes the two-week-wait much easier. The most I thought about it this week was related to the requisite back-to-school germs! Yep, I have already had my first nasy cold if the year. "Darn, I can't take anything for this cold because I might be pregnant," was the closest I got to thinking about a maybe baby. Yesterday, I did find myself going to one of my favorite pregnancy websites, www.countdowntopregnancy.com. They have neat tools to calculate due dates and other important dates in a pregnancy. Hey, I can dream! It is a good thing that the work week will not give me any extra time to think about a maybe baby.
Hopefully next Sunday I will have happy news to report - a BFP (big fat positive)!
When I called Tuesday to make my follow up appointment I was told that since Dr. Steinkampf has approved me for three more IUI procedures and has been happy with my past levels, I won't need to come in two weeks after my IUIs anymore. I will have blood drawn for a progesterone level on Monday and then do a home pregnancy test on Sunday the 31st. After that I'll either wait for my next IUI or go in for pregnancy blood work.
I have to admit, being back in school makes the two-week-wait much easier. The most I thought about it this week was related to the requisite back-to-school germs! Yep, I have already had my first nasy cold if the year. "Darn, I can't take anything for this cold because I might be pregnant," was the closest I got to thinking about a maybe baby. Yesterday, I did find myself going to one of my favorite pregnancy websites, www.countdowntopregnancy.com. They have neat tools to calculate due dates and other important dates in a pregnancy. Hey, I can dream! It is a good thing that the work week will not give me any extra time to think about a maybe baby.
Hopefully next Sunday I will have happy news to report - a BFP (big fat positive)!
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Hystero...what?
"Hysterosalpingogram -an x-ray procedure performed to determine whether the fallopian tubes are open and see is the shape of the uterine cavity is normal". To me it just looks like hysteria. Oh boy! Fun! Another chance to perch in a very unflattering position for an awkward "procedure". After the failure of our third IUI Dr. Steinkampf decided that, to be on the safe side, I should have a hysterosalpingogram to be sure that there were no blockages in my fallopian tubes preventing me from ovulating correctly. If that was clear, we would continue the IUIs with clomid as before. If not, we would know and be able to formulate another course of action. Timing of this test is important. It has to be done after a period, but before ovulation. Dr. Stienkampf and his partner perform the tests on Tuesdays and Fridays at Saint Vincent's Hospital or Brookwood Hospital.
There was no way I could miss half of the second day of school, so Tuesday it was. Thankfully my friend Anna Volz was able to sub for me today. Having a wonderful sub to leave with my class did help make it easier to be out. Leaving school in the middle of the day feels like making a jail break. You grab your things and head into the hall, leaving your class busily working in the room. Looking up and down the halls, you make a break for it. Striding out the doors, to your car, and pulling out of the parking lot. All the while part of you expects someone to yell, "Hey! You can't leave now!" I usually start to relax a little and breathe normally when I hit the highway. I know. I'm such an over achieving, rule follower!
I drove up 280 to Donny's office. We left my truck in the parking lot and he drove me in to Saint Vincent's. An HSG does not require sedation, but the pamphlet said I might experience dizziness and I would need to bring someone with me. We didn't know exactly where to go to check in. When the appointment was set for me at Dr. Steinkampf's office I was just told to "go to the outpatient center". It turns out there are two at Saint Vincent's - one in the north tower and one in the hospital. It was a good thing we got there early! We tried the north tower first - second floor. Not the right place. They sent us to the fourth floor. Not the right place either. That receptionist directed us to the main hospital first floor lobby, radiology desk. Close, but still not quite. The radiology desk sent us back to admitting. Thankfully admission was pretty easy. We filled out paperwork, paid co-pays, and got a pager that would notify us when they were ready for me.
We found a couple of comfy chairs and settled in to read and wait. I brought along a very appropriate read, Stacy Bolt's Breeding in Captivity. I only got a few chapters in, but oh my! It is hilarious! I found myself giggling aloud several times sitting in the waiting room. The book is a lady's memoir about her journey through infertility. Her writing is funny and irreverent. The language could be cleaned up in a few spots, but she says exactly what every woman who has/is dealing with infertility is thinking. It was nice to have a distraction. I have to admit I was pretty nervous about the test.
When the pager buzzed I was shown back to a room in radiology by a nurse. Donny and Hawk had to stay in the waiting room. That didn't make me any less nervous. I understand why they wouldn't want extra people in a room where x-rays are being used, but it so comforting just having Donny where I can see him. I donned my lovely hospital gown and sat on the table beneath the x-ray machine to wait. Dr. Steinkampf had another patient scheduled before me so I waited and tried to make small talk with the nurse and another tech who appeared to bring in equipment. They were not terribly talkative and several awkward pauses occupied the waiting time as I watched her open and set up an array of intimidating looking items on the equipment tray.
It was a relief when I finally hear Dr. Steinkampf's cheery voice in the control booth. When he came in the mood did a 180. He kept up a steady stream of friendly conversation as he pulled on the lead apron, drew up the dye and meds, and checked the tools on the tray. I was still nervous, but having him there - calm, friendly, and collected - helped so much. He talked me though the process as he did each step. Reassuring me, warning when something might be uncomfortable. There were even a few times where he would warn me about a step, but do it a little late so I couldn't get worried. "I am going to put a little clamp on your cervix. You may feel a big pinch. Too late, I already did it." The cheerful chatter helped me to relax.
Once the catheter and cannula were in place, I was instructed to scoot back and lay flat. They pulled the table directly below the x-ray and lowed the machine within about 6 inches of my abdomen. A screen was swiveled over to my right side in view of myself and Dr. Steinkampf. Then we added a third guest to the party. A radiologist came in to help look at the images during the test. Once I was in place, Dr. Steinkampf began to push the dye though the catheter, through the cannula, and into my uterus. You could watch the progress of the dye on the screen. Dr. Steinkampf narrated, "First you will see a triangle-shaped space. That is the uterine cavity. Then you'll start to see the tubes. Yep, there they are. Cough a couple times for me. Uh hunh, that looks good. All clear. Both tubes are open and the uterus looks good!"
What a relief to hear! What a relief to get that out of my hoohoo! So now we just keep doing what we've been doing. Clomid and IUIs two or three more times. If I don't get pregnant in the next two or three months we will reassess. Hopefully, prayerfully I will get pregnant this month. I will most likely be back in Dr. Steinkampf's office for my fourth IUI on Thursday or Friday. I am cautiously optimistic but defensively pessimistic. I would love for this to be my final IUI, but I know it might not be. I might have to deal with the pain of another failed try. I have to remember, there is a reason for every trial. A sweet friend sent me the lyrics to one of my favorite praise songs, by Laura Story, after the last IUI that perfectly summarizes this season of my life. You can listen to the full song here.
What if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/laura-story/blessings-lyrics/#i1YYPTfyusDrbXsw.99
There was no way I could miss half of the second day of school, so Tuesday it was. Thankfully my friend Anna Volz was able to sub for me today. Having a wonderful sub to leave with my class did help make it easier to be out. Leaving school in the middle of the day feels like making a jail break. You grab your things and head into the hall, leaving your class busily working in the room. Looking up and down the halls, you make a break for it. Striding out the doors, to your car, and pulling out of the parking lot. All the while part of you expects someone to yell, "Hey! You can't leave now!" I usually start to relax a little and breathe normally when I hit the highway. I know. I'm such an over achieving, rule follower!
I drove up 280 to Donny's office. We left my truck in the parking lot and he drove me in to Saint Vincent's. An HSG does not require sedation, but the pamphlet said I might experience dizziness and I would need to bring someone with me. We didn't know exactly where to go to check in. When the appointment was set for me at Dr. Steinkampf's office I was just told to "go to the outpatient center". It turns out there are two at Saint Vincent's - one in the north tower and one in the hospital. It was a good thing we got there early! We tried the north tower first - second floor. Not the right place. They sent us to the fourth floor. Not the right place either. That receptionist directed us to the main hospital first floor lobby, radiology desk. Close, but still not quite. The radiology desk sent us back to admitting. Thankfully admission was pretty easy. We filled out paperwork, paid co-pays, and got a pager that would notify us when they were ready for me.
We found a couple of comfy chairs and settled in to read and wait. I brought along a very appropriate read, Stacy Bolt's Breeding in Captivity. I only got a few chapters in, but oh my! It is hilarious! I found myself giggling aloud several times sitting in the waiting room. The book is a lady's memoir about her journey through infertility. Her writing is funny and irreverent. The language could be cleaned up in a few spots, but she says exactly what every woman who has/is dealing with infertility is thinking. It was nice to have a distraction. I have to admit I was pretty nervous about the test.
When the pager buzzed I was shown back to a room in radiology by a nurse. Donny and Hawk had to stay in the waiting room. That didn't make me any less nervous. I understand why they wouldn't want extra people in a room where x-rays are being used, but it so comforting just having Donny where I can see him. I donned my lovely hospital gown and sat on the table beneath the x-ray machine to wait. Dr. Steinkampf had another patient scheduled before me so I waited and tried to make small talk with the nurse and another tech who appeared to bring in equipment. They were not terribly talkative and several awkward pauses occupied the waiting time as I watched her open and set up an array of intimidating looking items on the equipment tray.
It was a relief when I finally hear Dr. Steinkampf's cheery voice in the control booth. When he came in the mood did a 180. He kept up a steady stream of friendly conversation as he pulled on the lead apron, drew up the dye and meds, and checked the tools on the tray. I was still nervous, but having him there - calm, friendly, and collected - helped so much. He talked me though the process as he did each step. Reassuring me, warning when something might be uncomfortable. There were even a few times where he would warn me about a step, but do it a little late so I couldn't get worried. "I am going to put a little clamp on your cervix. You may feel a big pinch. Too late, I already did it." The cheerful chatter helped me to relax.
Once the catheter and cannula were in place, I was instructed to scoot back and lay flat. They pulled the table directly below the x-ray and lowed the machine within about 6 inches of my abdomen. A screen was swiveled over to my right side in view of myself and Dr. Steinkampf. Then we added a third guest to the party. A radiologist came in to help look at the images during the test. Once I was in place, Dr. Steinkampf began to push the dye though the catheter, through the cannula, and into my uterus. You could watch the progress of the dye on the screen. Dr. Steinkampf narrated, "First you will see a triangle-shaped space. That is the uterine cavity. Then you'll start to see the tubes. Yep, there they are. Cough a couple times for me. Uh hunh, that looks good. All clear. Both tubes are open and the uterus looks good!"
What a relief to hear! What a relief to get that out of my hoohoo! So now we just keep doing what we've been doing. Clomid and IUIs two or three more times. If I don't get pregnant in the next two or three months we will reassess. Hopefully, prayerfully I will get pregnant this month. I will most likely be back in Dr. Steinkampf's office for my fourth IUI on Thursday or Friday. I am cautiously optimistic but defensively pessimistic. I would love for this to be my final IUI, but I know it might not be. I might have to deal with the pain of another failed try. I have to remember, there is a reason for every trial. A sweet friend sent me the lyrics to one of my favorite praise songs, by Laura Story, after the last IUI that perfectly summarizes this season of my life. You can listen to the full song here.
What if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/laura-story/blessings-lyrics/#i1YYPTfyusDrbXsw.99
Friday, August 1, 2014
BFN
Well, I wondered which was worse, the two week wait or waiting on your own to see if you start. Well my natural pregnancy test just yielded a BIG FAT NEGATIVE (BFN) after 16 nerve-wracking days of waiting. I can now confidently say that waiting on your own is worse! At least with a follow up doctor's appointment there is a date that will give you unquestionable answer. You get the devastating news and deal with it at one time.
When you are holding your breath and waiting you have multiple blows. I did a pregnancy test on Monday with the only test I had left at the house. It was four months out of date. The results were a clear negative. I had a cry over it, but also told myself that it could be wrong. It was early. The test was old. Maybe it was wrong? I toyed with getting another pack of tests, but it was the end of the month. I needed to wait until payday before I bought anything.
Tuesday I didn't expect any changes so it was fine, but the next few days were a different story. Wednesday night was pretty sleepless. I stared at the ceiling and prayed and over analyzed ever little pinch or pain. Thursday was worse. It was the day of my expected period. I made it through nearly the entire day. I was letting myself hope. Then right before I got in my bath, there it was, nature's negative pregnancy test. I fell apart. I cried in the bath. I cried on the phone with Mom. I cried on Donny in bed.
Thankfully sleep finally came, but in a way sleep is just a way of hiding from the pain. I let myself stay in bed until noon today. I wanted to stay in bed all day, but it won't change the fact that I am not pregnant. I have to get up and deal with the pain. The cramps are just an echo of the mental and emotional pain. I really don't know how many more times I can handle this.
I'll know more about the next steps after my follow-up on the 6th. I know Dr. Steinkampf wants me to do the x-Ray dye test to be sure the I don't have any blockages that could be preventing pregnancy. Everything will be so much more complicated because school starts next week. I only miss a day when I am deathly sick, but that won't be the case this year. I'll be missing for tests and procedures every month. I really hoped I would be pregnant before the school year started.
God is in control. There is a plan. God's plan is better than my plan. It will be worth the pain. It will be worth the tears and loss of sleep. Lord help me deal with this pain.
When you are holding your breath and waiting you have multiple blows. I did a pregnancy test on Monday with the only test I had left at the house. It was four months out of date. The results were a clear negative. I had a cry over it, but also told myself that it could be wrong. It was early. The test was old. Maybe it was wrong? I toyed with getting another pack of tests, but it was the end of the month. I needed to wait until payday before I bought anything.
Tuesday I didn't expect any changes so it was fine, but the next few days were a different story. Wednesday night was pretty sleepless. I stared at the ceiling and prayed and over analyzed ever little pinch or pain. Thursday was worse. It was the day of my expected period. I made it through nearly the entire day. I was letting myself hope. Then right before I got in my bath, there it was, nature's negative pregnancy test. I fell apart. I cried in the bath. I cried on the phone with Mom. I cried on Donny in bed.
Thankfully sleep finally came, but in a way sleep is just a way of hiding from the pain. I let myself stay in bed until noon today. I wanted to stay in bed all day, but it won't change the fact that I am not pregnant. I have to get up and deal with the pain. The cramps are just an echo of the mental and emotional pain. I really don't know how many more times I can handle this.
I'll know more about the next steps after my follow-up on the 6th. I know Dr. Steinkampf wants me to do the x-Ray dye test to be sure the I don't have any blockages that could be preventing pregnancy. Everything will be so much more complicated because school starts next week. I only miss a day when I am deathly sick, but that won't be the case this year. I'll be missing for tests and procedures every month. I really hoped I would be pregnant before the school year started.
God is in control. There is a plan. God's plan is better than my plan. It will be worth the pain. It will be worth the tears and loss of sleep. Lord help me deal with this pain.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Infertility, a common thread
This experience of infertility is a scary, emotional roller coaster. It can seem like you and you husband are the only ones in the world dealing with the peaks of hope and valleys of sadness. Going in a baby store, seeing a pregnant mommy waddle by, or hearing of a friend's joyful news is enough to send the strongest woman into tears. What we forget is that those ladies have a story as well, and it may not be so different from our own. One of the blogs I frequent for encouragement during this journey is The Stirrup Queens. As I was browsing I came across an old conversation about this very issue. Those of us dealing with infertility need a way to letting others in our situation know. So this is what they came up with (direct quote from The Stirrup Queens).
So I just went by Wal-Mart this morning and bought my #814 floss! I want to not only encourage people in my shoes on my blog, but with my actions! I am still in the limbo of my two-week-wait so I won't know for a while yet if I am pregnant or not, but I plan to make my bracelet this afternoon and wear it proudly. One day I hope to waddle around with a big-ole belly and my bracelet on my wrist. Not a painful reminder to an infertile family, but instead a symbol of hope.
Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.
In addition, the seeds represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, treatments, adoption, third-party reproduction, or even choosing to live child-free.
The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.
Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasing this pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others.
The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.
Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasing this pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others.
So I just went by Wal-Mart this morning and bought my #814 floss! I want to not only encourage people in my shoes on my blog, but with my actions! I am still in the limbo of my two-week-wait so I won't know for a while yet if I am pregnant or not, but I plan to make my bracelet this afternoon and wear it proudly. One day I hope to waddle around with a big-ole belly and my bracelet on my wrist. Not a painful reminder to an infertile family, but instead a symbol of hope.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Third Time's the ?
Well, I have now made three tries at composing this post! I used to frequent the blogs of other women struggling with infertility and shake my head at the negative tone and irritability I found. Now I understand! Without the assurance that God has a plan for a hope and future (Jeremiah 29:11), I would be a negative, bitter person too.
Today I had my third IUI. I should be excited and hopeful again, but I have to admit I am strangely low. It hurts so much when I get my hopes up only to have them crushed. Maybe the third time WILL be the charm. I certainly would love that since school is about to get rolling again. I really wanted to get most of my first trimester out of the way while I could be off my feet and rest.
Our appointment this morning took a little longer than the previous appointments because they were short staffed and the waiting room had a steady stream of patients in and out. Karen and Dr. Steinkampf were the ones running the lab. As Karen put it, "I've gotten a promotion to lab tech and Dr. Steinkampf is on sperm duty!" Karen did a good job drawing the blood, but said I was a bit stingy with my blood. I've got little-bitty veins. Then it was back to the waiting room and more waiting. It was interesting watching the patients come and go. Some sat side-by-side with a supportive husband. Others came in and out quickly by themselves, obviously taking an hour off work and in a hurry to get back. I couldn't help but wonder what each of their stories were and how they were handling the ups and downs of attempting to conceive a child. I am immeasurable blessed to have Donny by my side! He is my hero and I can't imagine doing this without him.
When we were finally called back, it was to one of the smaller side rooms because the others were full. Dr. Steinkampf did the insemination this time, very quickly and professionally. I have to admit I missed Karen's bubbly, positive demeanor. Dr. Steinkampf is kind, but business-like. Donny was not brought around to "send in the clowns" this time. "If you do not get pregnant this time, I want to have an x-Ray dye test done to check for any blockage," Dr. Steinkampf informed me. Instead of thinking, "this time it will work. I won't need it." I found myself mentally accepting that I would have to do the test.
Then, when we went to check out and make our two-week follow-up appointment, we were informed that there were no available appointments in the last week of July. I would have to come the first week in August. School starts the first week in August. Also, that turns my two-week wait into a three week wait! I tried to explain that school was starting, but I just got a blank stare. I finally settled on the 6th since the 4th is our first teacher day back and the 5th I have professional development until 3:00. The latest appointment they have each day is 3:20. The 7th is the first day of school and there was no way I could leave early that day or the 8th. Grrrrrr.
I guess my wait is really only extended a day or two because, if I am not pregnant, I'll just start my period. That's always how it works - Doctor's appointment, negative test, then the next day Aunt Flo. So I will know by my appointment because I will have either missed my period or finished it! I think that I'll be using home pregnancy tests on the 29th, 30th, and 31st.
Thank goodness for my wonderful, supportive friends! This past failed cycle was rough, but I was surrounded by an outpouring of support. I was covered in prayers. A friend from college who has been through the same valley and is now the mother of the most adorable, beautiful, adopted daughter wrote me a long letter of encouragement. Another wrote text messages back and forth with me when I didn't want to get out of bed to give me hope. She has also been in my position and is mommy of a daughter and son. A card arrived by mail from a third friend, covered on every square inch with love and empathy, reliving her own battle with infertility. She has a daughter and son as well, both of whom I was honored to teach. I have a huge circle of friends that have covered me in prayers, hugs, and support.
Thank you to each and every one of you! Without my Great God and all of you I would not be able to face this incredible and challenging journey.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Even in the Valley
In choir we sing a song that says, "Even in the valley, God is good. Even in the valley, he is faithful and true. He'll carry his children through like He said He would. Even in the valley, God is good." Each time I think I spy the end of this valley, the walls of stone close in again. I need God to carry this child of his for awhile.
We had our follow up appointment for the second IUI attempt today. I felt so good about it. My symptoms seemed to line up with everything I'd read about pregnancy. When I recounted them to Dr. Steinkampf, he nodded and smiled on a pleased manner. He even told the nurse when he took me back for blood work that he thought it very likely I was pregnant. On the way home I held my phone in my lap so I'd be sure to hear the call with my results. About 15 minutes after we got home the phone rang. I snatched it up, expecting good results, but nervous nonetheless to receive the verdict. The blood test was negative.
I've cried some, but I think I am still in shock. I was so sure that it had worked this time. My chest is still sore for crying out loud. My pants are all too tight. No period. Just wait, it will start this evening and that will be it. I'll just be a chunky girl with big boobs who is not pregnant.
We'll try again next cycle just like this one. I 'll take the Clomid on days 2-6 of my cycle and start ovulation testing again on day 10. Please pray with us that it works in July. August will bring school again and stress. That is one thing I have heard again and again - stress is not good for conception. Also, this is not an inexpensive endeavor. One more try will be all we can handle. Of course both my parents and Donny's would help if we asked, but we'd rather not have to ask.
God is going to receive glory in this some how. I am having a hard time seeing the glory in this darkness, but He promised to carry me through. I am safe in his arms and he doesn't mind if I cry.
We had our follow up appointment for the second IUI attempt today. I felt so good about it. My symptoms seemed to line up with everything I'd read about pregnancy. When I recounted them to Dr. Steinkampf, he nodded and smiled on a pleased manner. He even told the nurse when he took me back for blood work that he thought it very likely I was pregnant. On the way home I held my phone in my lap so I'd be sure to hear the call with my results. About 15 minutes after we got home the phone rang. I snatched it up, expecting good results, but nervous nonetheless to receive the verdict. The blood test was negative.
I've cried some, but I think I am still in shock. I was so sure that it had worked this time. My chest is still sore for crying out loud. My pants are all too tight. No period. Just wait, it will start this evening and that will be it. I'll just be a chunky girl with big boobs who is not pregnant.
We'll try again next cycle just like this one. I 'll take the Clomid on days 2-6 of my cycle and start ovulation testing again on day 10. Please pray with us that it works in July. August will bring school again and stress. That is one thing I have heard again and again - stress is not good for conception. Also, this is not an inexpensive endeavor. One more try will be all we can handle. Of course both my parents and Donny's would help if we asked, but we'd rather not have to ask.
God is going to receive glory in this some how. I am having a hard time seeing the glory in this darkness, but He promised to carry me through. I am safe in his arms and he doesn't mind if I cry.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
The wait and the longing
As I write today I am sitting at my dining table with a big mug of Bengal spice tea, trying to avoid thinking about the clutter of life that has taken up residence on this table top. You know the place. The place in your house where you walk in the door and drop things. You tell yourself, "I'll get to that eventually." Then you spend weeks pretending it's not there. My mind is like that table right now. I am now a bit more than half-way through the two-week-wait. I have mental clutter stacked sky-high on my mind-table. I want so very badly for he IUI to have worked this time. I find myself browsing the kids section on pintrest, reading mommy blogs, and over analyzing my physical symptoms. Oh, and the nursery is pretty much done, minus a few items (like curtains and dust ruffles) that will help make it less gender-neutral when we know if we will be welcoming a boy or a girl.
During the day I do my best to put the entire thing out of my mind, but as much as I try to ignore it I am not super successful! I'll be working on VBS set up and think, " Ooooh, man, the girls are sore!", or hold an adorable kindergartener on my lap during the worship rally and begin thinking of my one-day-baby, or take naps a few days in a row after lunch and think "maybe I'm tired because the embryo is implanting!" Sigh! But it is amazing how God knows when you need to hear from him and exactly what you need to hear! You may remember that I was participating in Beth Moore's bible study on Esther. Well, I wasn't the most faithful attender as the school year drew to a close, but that did not surprise God. He had a plan for exactly which days I missed and when I would get around to watching them at home. And I do mean get around to! There was no rhyme or reason to when I sat down to watch session seven. At least that was what I though and God smiled.
The session focused on how God turns around difficult scenarios in our lives. This particular scenario said " It's though being a woman who can balance passion with patience." Esther was passionate for the protection of her people, their rescue from impending slaughter, but she had to wait for God's timing. I am definitely in a position vs patience season. I am passionate about parenthood! I want to be a mom so much it aches, but I must wait. Beth gave Isaiah 30:18 as her turn around passage for this scenario. It says:
Yet The Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For The Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait on him. (ESV)
Hold on, it gets better! The word translated "longs" and "wait" are the same Hebrew word in the original text. Longing is a part of the wait! It is not a sin for me to ache for the child I do not yet have! The Lord aches to give me that blessing! I must wait, but I can long. The Lord longs to bless, but waits to do so. When He waits there is always a reason, but he feels the ache! I cannot tell you what freedom this brought me. I sat on the couch, alone in my living room with video-Beth, and sobbed tears of relief. God is so gracious.
I wait on You Lord.
During the day I do my best to put the entire thing out of my mind, but as much as I try to ignore it I am not super successful! I'll be working on VBS set up and think, " Ooooh, man, the girls are sore!", or hold an adorable kindergartener on my lap during the worship rally and begin thinking of my one-day-baby, or take naps a few days in a row after lunch and think "maybe I'm tired because the embryo is implanting!" Sigh! But it is amazing how God knows when you need to hear from him and exactly what you need to hear! You may remember that I was participating in Beth Moore's bible study on Esther. Well, I wasn't the most faithful attender as the school year drew to a close, but that did not surprise God. He had a plan for exactly which days I missed and when I would get around to watching them at home. And I do mean get around to! There was no rhyme or reason to when I sat down to watch session seven. At least that was what I though and God smiled.
The session focused on how God turns around difficult scenarios in our lives. This particular scenario said " It's though being a woman who can balance passion with patience." Esther was passionate for the protection of her people, their rescue from impending slaughter, but she had to wait for God's timing. I am definitely in a position vs patience season. I am passionate about parenthood! I want to be a mom so much it aches, but I must wait. Beth gave Isaiah 30:18 as her turn around passage for this scenario. It says:
Yet The Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For The Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait on him. (ESV)
Hold on, it gets better! The word translated "longs" and "wait" are the same Hebrew word in the original text. Longing is a part of the wait! It is not a sin for me to ache for the child I do not yet have! The Lord aches to give me that blessing! I must wait, but I can long. The Lord longs to bless, but waits to do so. When He waits there is always a reason, but he feels the ache! I cannot tell you what freedom this brought me. I sat on the couch, alone in my living room with video-Beth, and sobbed tears of relief. God is so gracious.
I wait on You Lord.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Here we go again!
Hello friends! It's nice to break radio silence! This past month off gave me much needed time to wrap up the school year, get Donny though a nasty tummy bug, and become optimistic about baby making again. So what does a teacher who is trying to be a mommy do with the first part of her break? Work on a nursery of course! I know, part of me thinks that is dangerous. If I don't get pregnant this time, I'll have a nursery to remind me of it several times a day. Be that as it may, it has been my way of staying positive. When I finish, I'll post pictures. It really is coming along beautifully!
I am much more nervous this time around. I think part of that may be the Clomid. It did it's job bringing up my progesterone, but I can tell I am more tense. Birth control effected me the same way. I get stressed out easily and am much more intense than usual. It's tough to remind myself that I need to cut myself some slack, that there is a reason for my mood.
A great example of this, is ovulation testing this month. The past couple of months, my cycle seemed like clockwork. I would get a positive LH surge on day 12 and ovulate on day 13. This month I started testing on day 10 as instructed.
Day 10 - negative...that's ok. I didn't expect anything but a circle on the screen.
Day 11 - circle again. Good deal.
Day 12 - circle? What? Well, I was I did have those infections and was on some antibiotics. It's weird, but I'll try not to panic.
Day 13 - CIRCLE? Ummm, I'm worried now. What's going on?
Day 14 - CIRCLE!!! This is not alright! What if I don't ovulate in June? Summer is my time window.
Day 15 - A SMILEY FACE! Praise The Lord! Whew!
So, here we go again. Tomorrow at 10:00 we will go in for our second IUI. Karen was on call so she will do the procedure for us again. That is another huge praise. She has a way of making everything exciting and relaxed. She is always smiling and positive and that helps tremendously! Please join me in praying for God's will in this procedure.
I am much more nervous this time around. I think part of that may be the Clomid. It did it's job bringing up my progesterone, but I can tell I am more tense. Birth control effected me the same way. I get stressed out easily and am much more intense than usual. It's tough to remind myself that I need to cut myself some slack, that there is a reason for my mood.
A great example of this, is ovulation testing this month. The past couple of months, my cycle seemed like clockwork. I would get a positive LH surge on day 12 and ovulate on day 13. This month I started testing on day 10 as instructed.
Day 10 - negative...that's ok. I didn't expect anything but a circle on the screen.
Day 11 - circle again. Good deal.
Day 12 - circle? What? Well, I was I did have those infections and was on some antibiotics. It's weird, but I'll try not to panic.
Day 13 - CIRCLE? Ummm, I'm worried now. What's going on?
Day 14 - CIRCLE!!! This is not alright! What if I don't ovulate in June? Summer is my time window.
Day 15 - A SMILEY FACE! Praise The Lord! Whew!
So, here we go again. Tomorrow at 10:00 we will go in for our second IUI. Karen was on call so she will do the procedure for us again. That is another huge praise. She has a way of making everything exciting and relaxed. She is always smiling and positive and that helps tremendously! Please join me in praying for God's will in this procedure.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Waiting for the Rain
I must admit, I have no idea how to write this post. I had a plan in mind: talk about the two week wait and all it entailed, wax eloquent about the encouragement I received from friends/family/even strangers, describe the doctor's visit in detail, then cue the drum roll and the big news. I have no more plan and certainly do not want a drum roll. I am not pregnant. There have been many tears shed this afternoon and lots of long tight hugs from my husband. Donny has been my "Jesus with skin on". That's what I used to call it when my Mom and Dad would step in to hold me as a little girl. I knew Jesus was there, but I needed someone to be "Jesus with skin on".
I began this blog in hopes that it might encourage another family that is struggling with infertility. That means sharing honestly, even when honesty hurts. So, I'll try to share a bit about the past two weeks. I had heard from other girls about the two week wait. You think, "two weeks, no problem!" Quickly it became apparent that this was no normal wait. When you wait for Christmas or your birthday, the outcome is guaranteed. You know it will happen and you are not looking for physical symptoms!
During the first week a twinge could prompt despair -"that felt like ovulation! We missed it by 4 days!"- or excitement " oh, good! There was another one. Maybe it's implantation cramps." That kept up most of the week. During that week I got a sweet encouraging call from my friend Jennifer, a sister in Christ who has been through the same battle with infertility. It was exactly what I needed a confirmation that I was NOT going nuts and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will always be grateful for that call!
The second week was tougher. Wednesday at 2:00 in the morning, I woke up to cramps. Those familiar if-you-don't-get-up-and-put-on-a-pad-you'll-be-sorry cramps that always herald mother nature's monthly gift. That was the last straw. I began to cry. Donny rolled over and asked, "Are you ok?" The dam broke. I sobbed into his shoulder, "I feel like I am about to start my period and if I start my period I am not pregnant and it didn't work!"
God is so sovereign. That morning at school I met with my prayer group. They prayed for me, cried with me, and hugged me. Knowing that they were there for me and knew what I was going though helped so much! I made a divinely appointed pocket dial to my sister Faith. She called me back, and hearing her voice was wonderful. She really is my best girl friend. Church that night was also very needed. More hugs and encouragement from my wonderful sisters in Christ.
Finally, Thursday, May 1st - today - arrived. Before I even left for school, Faith called to pray with me. Heather, my coworker for the past 5 years, texted me to let me know she was praying. When I arrived at school and was doing my morning set-up routine, Margie came into my room with a verse for me. She had stumbled across it this morning in her quiet time. It was the same one that my mom has been praying. Praying that God would bless our prayer for his rain of blessing with showers in abundance.
I left school at 11:30 and came home. Donny and I got lunch at Logan's and I started to relax a bit. We drove in to the doctor's office. I was nervous, but just glad that soon we'd have an answer. Oh, I couldn't have been more wrong. It turns out, they don't just do blood work then walk in and deliver the verdict. Dr. Steinkampf came in, reviewed our past visits, my blood work, and then dashed into our plans for the next step if my test was negative. I was shell shocked. Blood was drawn and before I knew it we were walking to the elevator. I almost lost it on the ride down. I had no answer, just a carbon copy of a check out sheet and a prescription for Clomid. The next step if I was not pregnant.
I sent Jennifer a text to try and sort things out. It turns out, you have to wait for a phone call with the results. The following two hours were worse than the entire two weeks. I literally sat on the back steps and rocked back and forth for part of it.
After my nerves reached a fevered pitch, the call came. Not pregnant. I tried to stay calm to write down the directions for the next cycle, Dr. Steinkampf had already told us, but I was waiting for or long awaited yes or no answer. My voice broke and the tears came. Poor nurse, I cannot imagine having to tell over-emotional women that the long wait has been fruitless.
I curled up in my chair at the table and sobbed. Needless to say, much of the evening was more of the same. I know God has a plan and a reason it did not work this time. That doesn't make it hurt less.
So, here is the next step in our journey. Dr. Steinkampf has proscribed a test cycle on Clomid to try and improve my progesterone levels and my ovulation. We won't do an insemination in May, just monitoring. If the tests look good in May, we will resume insemination in June. We are praying for rain and waiting expectantly for God's deluge.
I began this blog in hopes that it might encourage another family that is struggling with infertility. That means sharing honestly, even when honesty hurts. So, I'll try to share a bit about the past two weeks. I had heard from other girls about the two week wait. You think, "two weeks, no problem!" Quickly it became apparent that this was no normal wait. When you wait for Christmas or your birthday, the outcome is guaranteed. You know it will happen and you are not looking for physical symptoms!
During the first week a twinge could prompt despair -"that felt like ovulation! We missed it by 4 days!"- or excitement " oh, good! There was another one. Maybe it's implantation cramps." That kept up most of the week. During that week I got a sweet encouraging call from my friend Jennifer, a sister in Christ who has been through the same battle with infertility. It was exactly what I needed a confirmation that I was NOT going nuts and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will always be grateful for that call!
The second week was tougher. Wednesday at 2:00 in the morning, I woke up to cramps. Those familiar if-you-don't-get-up-and-put-on-a-pad-you'll-be-sorry cramps that always herald mother nature's monthly gift. That was the last straw. I began to cry. Donny rolled over and asked, "Are you ok?" The dam broke. I sobbed into his shoulder, "I feel like I am about to start my period and if I start my period I am not pregnant and it didn't work!"
God is so sovereign. That morning at school I met with my prayer group. They prayed for me, cried with me, and hugged me. Knowing that they were there for me and knew what I was going though helped so much! I made a divinely appointed pocket dial to my sister Faith. She called me back, and hearing her voice was wonderful. She really is my best girl friend. Church that night was also very needed. More hugs and encouragement from my wonderful sisters in Christ.
Finally, Thursday, May 1st - today - arrived. Before I even left for school, Faith called to pray with me. Heather, my coworker for the past 5 years, texted me to let me know she was praying. When I arrived at school and was doing my morning set-up routine, Margie came into my room with a verse for me. She had stumbled across it this morning in her quiet time. It was the same one that my mom has been praying. Praying that God would bless our prayer for his rain of blessing with showers in abundance.
I left school at 11:30 and came home. Donny and I got lunch at Logan's and I started to relax a bit. We drove in to the doctor's office. I was nervous, but just glad that soon we'd have an answer. Oh, I couldn't have been more wrong. It turns out, they don't just do blood work then walk in and deliver the verdict. Dr. Steinkampf came in, reviewed our past visits, my blood work, and then dashed into our plans for the next step if my test was negative. I was shell shocked. Blood was drawn and before I knew it we were walking to the elevator. I almost lost it on the ride down. I had no answer, just a carbon copy of a check out sheet and a prescription for Clomid. The next step if I was not pregnant.
I sent Jennifer a text to try and sort things out. It turns out, you have to wait for a phone call with the results. The following two hours were worse than the entire two weeks. I literally sat on the back steps and rocked back and forth for part of it.
After my nerves reached a fevered pitch, the call came. Not pregnant. I tried to stay calm to write down the directions for the next cycle, Dr. Steinkampf had already told us, but I was waiting for or long awaited yes or no answer. My voice broke and the tears came. Poor nurse, I cannot imagine having to tell over-emotional women that the long wait has been fruitless.
I curled up in my chair at the table and sobbed. Needless to say, much of the evening was more of the same. I know God has a plan and a reason it did not work this time. That doesn't make it hurt less.
So, here is the next step in our journey. Dr. Steinkampf has proscribed a test cycle on Clomid to try and improve my progesterone levels and my ovulation. We won't do an insemination in May, just monitoring. If the tests look good in May, we will resume insemination in June. We are praying for rain and waiting expectantly for God's deluge.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Amazing what a smiley face can do!
Hello wonderful friends! The past couple of days have been very exciting, all because of a little smiley face. When we had our first appointment with Dr. Steinkampf he gave us a sheet detailing the procedure for intrauterine insemination with donor sperm. We have been carefully following the directions. Start my period and purchase sperm. Check. Arrange for shipment of sperm to Alabama Fertility Specialists. Check. On day 10 of my cycle call the office to let them know I am planning to do an IUI this month. Check. Also on day 10 start doing ovulation tests between 11:00 and 2:00 daily. Monday was my day 10.
Testing timing proved to be a bit of a challenge. My class has lunch from 11:35-12:00 so I knew that was my only possible time window. Thankfully my sweet friend Tonya Adams agreed to meet my class in the hall and walk them to the lunchroom so that I could pop into the bathroom and test. The clinic recommended the digital Clear Blue test. When no LH surge is detected you get a empty circle. When the surge is present you get a smiley face. The tests I did in March had been positive on the 22nd so I was expecting to test for several days and see a blank circle.
Monday - circle
Tuesday - circle
Wednesday - SMILEY FACE!
I was blown away! Shocked and excited I almost jogged back to my classroom to call the doctor's office. The instructions said on the day the LH surge was detected to call before 2:00 to schedule the IUI for the following day. Wow! I couldn't believe it and I have to admit, I was worried it might be a false positive. I have not been feeling great this week because I'd managed to pick up a cold and had been dealing with some "feminine itch". I was really worried that those two issues could mess up the procedure. Isn't it amazing how, in the middle of something wonderful, we can let doubts plague and worry us? When I called the front desk, it took a couple of tries to get through. When I reached the receptionist and told her I had gotten a positive ovulation test she said, "Yay! Ok, you will need to come in tomorrow!" Wow! It all became so very real!
It was fun to be able to join my teacher friends in the lunchroom and announce, "I got a smiley face!" Then I wrote Donny a quick text to give him the good news. I was thankfully able to contact a sub and stayed late at school putting together sub plans - never a small undertaking! The procedure doesn't' take all that long, but with my cold I knew I could use a day to rest anyway.
Today was THE day. In the car on the way to the office Donny asked me if I wanted to pray. He grabbed my hand, I closed my eyes and prayed for God's will and guidance. I prayed that God would bless our procedure the first time if it was his timing and thanked him for all the people that were lifting us up (THAT'S ALL OF YOU, FRIENDS!). We had a 10:00 appointment so we got there at 9:40ish. It began with a visit to lab to draw more blood and confirm that I was ovulating. That of course meant another visit with Mr. Sperm the stress ball. It lasted a little longer than I would have liked. They couldn't get the vein in my left arm, so they went to the right one and got it. Ow. On our way back to the waiting room, we ran into Karen, the nurse practitioner we spoke with on our first visit. She greeted us with, "it's my favorite couple!" and huge smile. She wrapped me up in a warm hug. Then she asked my permission to hug Donny too. She really set any butterflies in my tummy to rest.
We sat in the waiting room for a bit, holding hands and talking. A nurse poked her head through the door and called us back to a room. She gave me instructions and informed us that Karen would be in in a few minutes to do the insemination. That was exciting news! I purposefully go to female OBGYN doctors. It just makes an awkward situation a bit less awkward. I feel very comfortable with Karen so that made me feel better about the procedure. It is amazing how long a few minutes feel when you are sitting on a table with stirrups adorned with a stylish paper drape. Donny tried to help me stay relaxed, he grabbed my hand and prayed for God's blessing on the procedure.
After a bit Karen rapped lightly on the door and entered the room chirping, "let's make a baby!" She had me confirm that the vial of sperm was the correct one. It was pretty crazy to think that the pinkie-fingertip-sized drop of milky liquid was the sperm that could make me a mommy and Donny a daddy. Karen drew the droplet of sperm up into a syringe equipped with a catheter and had me scooch into place. She expertly did her work threading the catheter into place, then she motioned to Donny, "Come do this insemination." It brought tears to my eyes! To allow Donny to truly be part of his child's conception was so kind and thoughtful. I will always be grateful to Karen for that! She put the syringe in Donny's hand and said,"Ok, send in the clowns!"
That was all there was to it. I lay back on the table and she gave us our next instructions. In a week I have to do a blood progesterone serum test. In two weeks we will go back to see Dr. Steinkampf. In two weeks we will learn if we are pregnant! Now all we have to do is wait. I am so very glad that I have school to keep me busy during the week and prevent me from obsessing. There is about a 20% chance that we will be pregnant. Please keep praying that God's will is done in our family! I will keep all of you up to date!
Testing timing proved to be a bit of a challenge. My class has lunch from 11:35-12:00 so I knew that was my only possible time window. Thankfully my sweet friend Tonya Adams agreed to meet my class in the hall and walk them to the lunchroom so that I could pop into the bathroom and test. The clinic recommended the digital Clear Blue test. When no LH surge is detected you get a empty circle. When the surge is present you get a smiley face. The tests I did in March had been positive on the 22nd so I was expecting to test for several days and see a blank circle.
Monday - circle
Tuesday - circle
Wednesday - SMILEY FACE!
I was blown away! Shocked and excited I almost jogged back to my classroom to call the doctor's office. The instructions said on the day the LH surge was detected to call before 2:00 to schedule the IUI for the following day. Wow! I couldn't believe it and I have to admit, I was worried it might be a false positive. I have not been feeling great this week because I'd managed to pick up a cold and had been dealing with some "feminine itch". I was really worried that those two issues could mess up the procedure. Isn't it amazing how, in the middle of something wonderful, we can let doubts plague and worry us? When I called the front desk, it took a couple of tries to get through. When I reached the receptionist and told her I had gotten a positive ovulation test she said, "Yay! Ok, you will need to come in tomorrow!" Wow! It all became so very real!
It was fun to be able to join my teacher friends in the lunchroom and announce, "I got a smiley face!" Then I wrote Donny a quick text to give him the good news. I was thankfully able to contact a sub and stayed late at school putting together sub plans - never a small undertaking! The procedure doesn't' take all that long, but with my cold I knew I could use a day to rest anyway.
Today was THE day. In the car on the way to the office Donny asked me if I wanted to pray. He grabbed my hand, I closed my eyes and prayed for God's will and guidance. I prayed that God would bless our procedure the first time if it was his timing and thanked him for all the people that were lifting us up (THAT'S ALL OF YOU, FRIENDS!). We had a 10:00 appointment so we got there at 9:40ish. It began with a visit to lab to draw more blood and confirm that I was ovulating. That of course meant another visit with Mr. Sperm the stress ball. It lasted a little longer than I would have liked. They couldn't get the vein in my left arm, so they went to the right one and got it. Ow. On our way back to the waiting room, we ran into Karen, the nurse practitioner we spoke with on our first visit. She greeted us with, "it's my favorite couple!" and huge smile. She wrapped me up in a warm hug. Then she asked my permission to hug Donny too. She really set any butterflies in my tummy to rest.
We sat in the waiting room for a bit, holding hands and talking. A nurse poked her head through the door and called us back to a room. She gave me instructions and informed us that Karen would be in in a few minutes to do the insemination. That was exciting news! I purposefully go to female OBGYN doctors. It just makes an awkward situation a bit less awkward. I feel very comfortable with Karen so that made me feel better about the procedure. It is amazing how long a few minutes feel when you are sitting on a table with stirrups adorned with a stylish paper drape. Donny tried to help me stay relaxed, he grabbed my hand and prayed for God's blessing on the procedure.
After a bit Karen rapped lightly on the door and entered the room chirping, "let's make a baby!" She had me confirm that the vial of sperm was the correct one. It was pretty crazy to think that the pinkie-fingertip-sized drop of milky liquid was the sperm that could make me a mommy and Donny a daddy. Karen drew the droplet of sperm up into a syringe equipped with a catheter and had me scooch into place. She expertly did her work threading the catheter into place, then she motioned to Donny, "Come do this insemination." It brought tears to my eyes! To allow Donny to truly be part of his child's conception was so kind and thoughtful. I will always be grateful to Karen for that! She put the syringe in Donny's hand and said,"Ok, send in the clowns!"
That was all there was to it. I lay back on the table and she gave us our next instructions. In a week I have to do a blood progesterone serum test. In two weeks we will go back to see Dr. Steinkampf. In two weeks we will learn if we are pregnant! Now all we have to do is wait. I am so very glad that I have school to keep me busy during the week and prevent me from obsessing. There is about a 20% chance that we will be pregnant. Please keep praying that God's will is done in our family! I will keep all of you up to date!
Monday, April 7, 2014
Shopping for......what?
Hello friends! I am elated - and it is for that strangest reason. Can you guess why? I did some intense shopping this weekend. Hours of combing web pages and researching. What for you ask? Sperm! Yes, you heard me correctly. Reproductive tissue, as the various banks call it. This weekend was a roller coaster of strange emotions.
When we went to our first appointment with Dr. Steinkampf he gave us a list of four sperm banks that they recommend and have patients use frequently. I had no idea how complex a task choosing a donor would be. The sites work like this: you sign up then start running searches. You pick hair color, eye color, build, race, even religion. You read donor essays, go over family medical histories with a fine-toothed comb, and try to get a sense of the kind of person behind the "reproductive tissue". I ended up combing through all four sites, reading over 100 profiles, rereading them, and reading them again.
I believe I started looking on one site at 9:00 am. I had narrowed 99 potential donors down to seven at 2:00 pm. My brain was fried and my eyes were having trouble focusing by that point. I was also feeling emotionally frazzled. Donny knew I needed a break so we went to see a movie, "Captain America". Anyone who knows my Donny knows when a superhero movie is released the Motts will be going. It was excellent and a very good distraction.
When we got home, the search continued until I had narrowed all four banks down to the final few. Donny sat down on the couch, I pulled up the recliner, and we went through the profiles on-by-one. Finally, we made the choice, at 11:00 pm. At that point we were both emotionally and physically exhausted.
We overslept Sunday morning. I was still strangely stressed and down. But, God was not surprised. Four weeks ago I began a bible study on the book of Esther with some ladies at church. Last Sunday's session was about facing our fears. Beth Moore challenged us, through the television screen, to face our "what ifs", our deep fears. She pushed us to answer if________then______ statements.
Mine would go something like this:
If I don't get pregnant....if I never get pregnant, then I'll be devastated.
Ok, then what?
Well, I'll curl up in a ball and cry.
Then what?
I'll shutdown.
Alright, then what?
Um, I'll get angry.
Yes, and then?
When we continue to follow our fears, continue to ask "and then what?", if we are believers, we eventually come to the same conclusion, if anything, then GOD. Eventually we see God is God no matter what fear we face, no matter what situation we find ourselves in. Esther was in royal position in the exact time her people needed a voice to speak on their behalf. The cost of her choice could easily have cost her life, but she realized if she spoke God would receive glory. If she perished, she perished, but God would work. My fear seems so tiny in comparison, but I needed the message. If I continue to prayerfully proceed and walk this path, no matter what else happens, I am going to give God glory.
So, this evening we did it! We ordered the sperm. It will be in my doctor's office this week. And, to God be the glory, I am excited. I am elated. No matter what happens, if ANYTHING then GOD!
When we went to our first appointment with Dr. Steinkampf he gave us a list of four sperm banks that they recommend and have patients use frequently. I had no idea how complex a task choosing a donor would be. The sites work like this: you sign up then start running searches. You pick hair color, eye color, build, race, even religion. You read donor essays, go over family medical histories with a fine-toothed comb, and try to get a sense of the kind of person behind the "reproductive tissue". I ended up combing through all four sites, reading over 100 profiles, rereading them, and reading them again.
I believe I started looking on one site at 9:00 am. I had narrowed 99 potential donors down to seven at 2:00 pm. My brain was fried and my eyes were having trouble focusing by that point. I was also feeling emotionally frazzled. Donny knew I needed a break so we went to see a movie, "Captain America". Anyone who knows my Donny knows when a superhero movie is released the Motts will be going. It was excellent and a very good distraction.
When we got home, the search continued until I had narrowed all four banks down to the final few. Donny sat down on the couch, I pulled up the recliner, and we went through the profiles on-by-one. Finally, we made the choice, at 11:00 pm. At that point we were both emotionally and physically exhausted.
We overslept Sunday morning. I was still strangely stressed and down. But, God was not surprised. Four weeks ago I began a bible study on the book of Esther with some ladies at church. Last Sunday's session was about facing our fears. Beth Moore challenged us, through the television screen, to face our "what ifs", our deep fears. She pushed us to answer if________then______ statements.
Mine would go something like this:
If I don't get pregnant....if I never get pregnant, then I'll be devastated.
Ok, then what?
Well, I'll curl up in a ball and cry.
Then what?
I'll shutdown.
Alright, then what?
Um, I'll get angry.
Yes, and then?
When we continue to follow our fears, continue to ask "and then what?", if we are believers, we eventually come to the same conclusion, if anything, then GOD. Eventually we see God is God no matter what fear we face, no matter what situation we find ourselves in. Esther was in royal position in the exact time her people needed a voice to speak on their behalf. The cost of her choice could easily have cost her life, but she realized if she spoke God would receive glory. If she perished, she perished, but God would work. My fear seems so tiny in comparison, but I needed the message. If I continue to prayerfully proceed and walk this path, no matter what else happens, I am going to give God glory.
So, this evening we did it! We ordered the sperm. It will be in my doctor's office this week. And, to God be the glory, I am excited. I am elated. No matter what happens, if ANYTHING then GOD!
Thursday, March 27, 2014
God Makes All Things Beautiful In HIS Time
Hello Friends!
I hope that Spring Break has been a wonderful time for you and your families. Here in the Mott nest it has been a week of new beginnings! We took the first step toward parenthood with a visit to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE from now on in this blog). At my yearly appointment after we discussed the challenge Donny and I had encountered in having a baby, my OB/GYN Dr. Straughn referred us to Dr. Steinkampf at Alabama Fertility Specialists. She also suggested that I do an ovulation test kit to be sure that I was actually ovulating, though was were almost positive that we were experiencing severe male-factor infertility. I know understand why pastors and mentors always tell you to have regular morning quiet times! When you do something first-thing in the morning, every morning, it sticks with you all day. The missing second line on those little strips each morning began to eat away at me - even though I was sure I was ovulating. It was such a relief when that second purple line finally appeared.
Yesterday was the big step, the RE appointment. Both Donny and I were so nervous! We really didn't know what to expect. The drive in to the AFS office was quiet. I imagine the staff at AFS is very familiar with the scene in the waiting room, a nervously squirming couple, exchanging little smiles and squeezing each other's hands reassuringly. Well, maybe most couples don't have a big black lab napping at their feet. When she called us back, the nurse smiled reassuringly. She showed us into an exam room, then took my to do the normal BP and weight checks. I warned the nurse that my blood pressure would probably be high since I have been fighting high blood pressure. The nurse explained that most of their new patients have high BP the first time they come in. The blood pressure was normal!
I returned to the room feeling a bit more calm and carrying a big packet of papers explaining recommended tests before attempting to become pregnant. We looked through them an tried to make sense of which ones we needed and didn't need. About that time we heard a cheerful whistle coming down the corridor followed by a couple quick, light raps on the door. Dr. Steinkampf entered, flashing a friendly smile and squeezing my hand warmly. Isn't it incredible what small, simple mannerisms alleviate tension? He listened attentively to our concerns, jotted notes, smiled and nodded, or furrowed his brow thoughtfully at all the right times. We were briefly interrupted for Dr. Steinkampf to go check on another patient. Before walking out he said he would return soon and departed with the comment, "We can help you." Again, wow! The relief one simple phrase can bring flooding into your heart!
After he returned, he went over our options for pregnancy: IVF, IUI with donor sperm, and embryo donation (a possibly we asked specifically about). Due to financial constraints, IVF was not an option for us and Dr. Steinkampf understood that perfectly. He explained the process for both IUI and embryo donation and also encouraged us to speak with his nurse practitioner. Because I had done the ovulation test kit, he knew when I'd ovulated this month so I could go ahead and come back this week for the progesterone test and be ready for either option. He gave us information on IUI and donor embryos and again reassured us that we should have the best chances for pregnancy with either option.
Next was labs . . . Yay (please read this dripping with sarcasm). I don't like needles, but I bet I'll be getting used to them. This was the only lab I've been in that was decorated with cartoony sperm stickers! There were surfer sperm, Hunter-camo-clad sperm, sperm in Trojan helmets, and the ever popular smiley-faced sperm squiggling over the doorway. To top in off, as the nurse prepped me, tying the tourniquet above my elbow, and I stared in the opposite direction she handed me a stress ball to squeeze. "Here, hold Mr. Sperm -he loves to help! Pump your hand for me." Wow! Just wow!
After I was done with labs, we went to visit with the nurse practitioner, Karen, to go over our choices more in depth. She turned out to be the exact type of lady that sets you at ease and feels trustworthy at first introduction. She settled herself, criss-cross-applesauce, in an office chair across from us. That made me like her right away. She instantly felt like a friend. She handled our questions and concerns beautifully.
After talking with her, and taking what Dr. Steinkampf had told us into consideration, Donny and I have decided to pursue IUI with donor sperm! We are praying about starting treatment next month. Wow! God does make all things beautiful in HIS time.
I hope that Spring Break has been a wonderful time for you and your families. Here in the Mott nest it has been a week of new beginnings! We took the first step toward parenthood with a visit to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE from now on in this blog). At my yearly appointment after we discussed the challenge Donny and I had encountered in having a baby, my OB/GYN Dr. Straughn referred us to Dr. Steinkampf at Alabama Fertility Specialists. She also suggested that I do an ovulation test kit to be sure that I was actually ovulating, though was were almost positive that we were experiencing severe male-factor infertility. I know understand why pastors and mentors always tell you to have regular morning quiet times! When you do something first-thing in the morning, every morning, it sticks with you all day. The missing second line on those little strips each morning began to eat away at me - even though I was sure I was ovulating. It was such a relief when that second purple line finally appeared.
Yesterday was the big step, the RE appointment. Both Donny and I were so nervous! We really didn't know what to expect. The drive in to the AFS office was quiet. I imagine the staff at AFS is very familiar with the scene in the waiting room, a nervously squirming couple, exchanging little smiles and squeezing each other's hands reassuringly. Well, maybe most couples don't have a big black lab napping at their feet. When she called us back, the nurse smiled reassuringly. She showed us into an exam room, then took my to do the normal BP and weight checks. I warned the nurse that my blood pressure would probably be high since I have been fighting high blood pressure. The nurse explained that most of their new patients have high BP the first time they come in. The blood pressure was normal!
I returned to the room feeling a bit more calm and carrying a big packet of papers explaining recommended tests before attempting to become pregnant. We looked through them an tried to make sense of which ones we needed and didn't need. About that time we heard a cheerful whistle coming down the corridor followed by a couple quick, light raps on the door. Dr. Steinkampf entered, flashing a friendly smile and squeezing my hand warmly. Isn't it incredible what small, simple mannerisms alleviate tension? He listened attentively to our concerns, jotted notes, smiled and nodded, or furrowed his brow thoughtfully at all the right times. We were briefly interrupted for Dr. Steinkampf to go check on another patient. Before walking out he said he would return soon and departed with the comment, "We can help you." Again, wow! The relief one simple phrase can bring flooding into your heart!
After he returned, he went over our options for pregnancy: IVF, IUI with donor sperm, and embryo donation (a possibly we asked specifically about). Due to financial constraints, IVF was not an option for us and Dr. Steinkampf understood that perfectly. He explained the process for both IUI and embryo donation and also encouraged us to speak with his nurse practitioner. Because I had done the ovulation test kit, he knew when I'd ovulated this month so I could go ahead and come back this week for the progesterone test and be ready for either option. He gave us information on IUI and donor embryos and again reassured us that we should have the best chances for pregnancy with either option.
Next was labs . . . Yay (please read this dripping with sarcasm). I don't like needles, but I bet I'll be getting used to them. This was the only lab I've been in that was decorated with cartoony sperm stickers! There were surfer sperm, Hunter-camo-clad sperm, sperm in Trojan helmets, and the ever popular smiley-faced sperm squiggling over the doorway. To top in off, as the nurse prepped me, tying the tourniquet above my elbow, and I stared in the opposite direction she handed me a stress ball to squeeze. "Here, hold Mr. Sperm -he loves to help! Pump your hand for me." Wow! Just wow!
After I was done with labs, we went to visit with the nurse practitioner, Karen, to go over our choices more in depth. She turned out to be the exact type of lady that sets you at ease and feels trustworthy at first introduction. She settled herself, criss-cross-applesauce, in an office chair across from us. That made me like her right away. She instantly felt like a friend. She handled our questions and concerns beautifully.
After talking with her, and taking what Dr. Steinkampf had told us into consideration, Donny and I have decided to pursue IUI with donor sperm! We are praying about starting treatment next month. Wow! God does make all things beautiful in HIS time.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Welcome to my nest!
Hi Friends,
I have been wrestling for a while with the idea of creating a blog to share the struggles and triumphs in my life as an encouragement to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have been uplifted and encouraged numerous times by the blogs written by women brave enough to share their hearts and their lives honestly with the world through their writing. That bravery was my struggle, did I truly think I could honestly share my journey? Could I be that vulnerable? Then I realized, it was not about me. On some of my toughest days, it has meant the world to me to read from the heart of a sister in Christ, to know that I am not the only one with that same battle.
Christ is the only reason I could do this. The desire of my heart is to be an encouragement to others who are on the same journey of infertility that my husband, Donny, and I find ourselves faced with. We are only on the very cusp of this particular journey. I am by no means an expert, but I want other families who are desperately longing for children to feel the comfort of fellow travelers on the road to parenthood. That is why I have included the page Preparing for Chicks.
On a far less serous note, those of you who know me personally know that I am happiest when I am making things! Anything! I plan on posting pictures of my latest crafty endeavors and how-to directions for the crafts I think others, who are as quirky as me, may enjoy making.
Teaching is a passion of mine and eventually Donny and I plan to homeschool. Many times the first thing I hear from parents who would love to be their child's teacher is, "I just don't think I know enough to homeschool." That could not be farther from the truth! You are your child's first and best teacher! I plan on adding teaching ideas and activities to my blog on the Home+School page.
Another love, that I come by honestly thanks to very D.I.Y. parents, is old homes. I grew up in a folk Victorian cottage that my parents moved from a lot that was about to be developed in downtown Opelika to a patch of "kudzu and saw-briers", to quote my mom. No one else would have seen the potential in that old, run-down place, but my parents did. It is now a lovely Queen Anne house and the perfect nest. I followed in their footsteps and Donny and I now own a 1920 Bungalow in Leeds. The Nest page will be home to all the renovation realities and fun home projects we undertake.
I hope that I have not bitten off more than I can chew, but I look forward to sharing my life with you. I hope it brings encouragement, some laughs, and lots of creativity to your family!
From my nest to yours,
Leigh Mott
I have been wrestling for a while with the idea of creating a blog to share the struggles and triumphs in my life as an encouragement to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have been uplifted and encouraged numerous times by the blogs written by women brave enough to share their hearts and their lives honestly with the world through their writing. That bravery was my struggle, did I truly think I could honestly share my journey? Could I be that vulnerable? Then I realized, it was not about me. On some of my toughest days, it has meant the world to me to read from the heart of a sister in Christ, to know that I am not the only one with that same battle.
Christ is the only reason I could do this. The desire of my heart is to be an encouragement to others who are on the same journey of infertility that my husband, Donny, and I find ourselves faced with. We are only on the very cusp of this particular journey. I am by no means an expert, but I want other families who are desperately longing for children to feel the comfort of fellow travelers on the road to parenthood. That is why I have included the page Preparing for Chicks.
On a far less serous note, those of you who know me personally know that I am happiest when I am making things! Anything! I plan on posting pictures of my latest crafty endeavors and how-to directions for the crafts I think others, who are as quirky as me, may enjoy making.
Teaching is a passion of mine and eventually Donny and I plan to homeschool. Many times the first thing I hear from parents who would love to be their child's teacher is, "I just don't think I know enough to homeschool." That could not be farther from the truth! You are your child's first and best teacher! I plan on adding teaching ideas and activities to my blog on the Home+School page.
Another love, that I come by honestly thanks to very D.I.Y. parents, is old homes. I grew up in a folk Victorian cottage that my parents moved from a lot that was about to be developed in downtown Opelika to a patch of "kudzu and saw-briers", to quote my mom. No one else would have seen the potential in that old, run-down place, but my parents did. It is now a lovely Queen Anne house and the perfect nest. I followed in their footsteps and Donny and I now own a 1920 Bungalow in Leeds. The Nest page will be home to all the renovation realities and fun home projects we undertake.
I hope that I have not bitten off more than I can chew, but I look forward to sharing my life with you. I hope it brings encouragement, some laughs, and lots of creativity to your family!
From my nest to yours,
Leigh Mott
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