Even in the Valley

In choir we sing a song that says, "Even in the valley, God is good. Even in the valley, he is faithful and true. He'll carry his children through like He said He would. Even in the valley, God is good." Each time I think I spy the end of this valley, the walls of stone close in again. I need God to carry this child of his for awhile.

We had our follow up appointment for the second IUI attempt today. I felt so good about it. My symptoms seemed to line up with everything I'd read about pregnancy. When I recounted them to Dr. Steinkampf, he nodded and smiled on a pleased manner. He even told the nurse when he took me back for blood work that he thought it very likely I was pregnant. On the way home I held my phone in my lap so I'd be sure to hear the call with my results. About 15 minutes after we got home the phone rang. I snatched it up, expecting good results, but nervous nonetheless to receive the verdict. The blood test was negative.

I've cried some, but I think I am still in shock. I was so sure that it had worked this time. My chest is still sore for crying out loud. My pants are all too tight. No period. Just wait, it will start this evening and that will be it. I'll just be a chunky girl with big boobs who is not pregnant.

We'll try again next cycle just like this one. I 'll take the Clomid on days 2-6 of my cycle and start ovulation testing again on day 10. Please pray with us that it works in July. August will bring school again and stress. That is one thing I have heard again and again - stress is not good for conception. Also, this is not an inexpensive endeavor. One more try will be all we can handle. Of course both my parents and Donny's would help if we asked, but we'd rather not have to ask.

God is going to receive glory in this some how. I am having a hard time seeing the glory in this darkness, but He promised to carry me through. I am safe in his arms and he doesn't mind if I cry.

The wait and the longing

As I write today I am sitting at my dining table with a big mug of Bengal spice tea, trying to avoid thinking about the clutter of life that has taken up residence on this table top. You know the place. The place in your house where you walk in the door and drop things. You tell yourself, "I'll get to that eventually." Then you spend weeks pretending it's not there. My mind is like that table right now. I am now a bit more than half-way through the two-week-wait. I have mental clutter stacked sky-high on my mind-table. I want so very badly for he IUI to have worked this time.  I find myself browsing the kids section on pintrest, reading mommy blogs, and over analyzing my physical symptoms. Oh, and the nursery is pretty much done, minus a few items (like curtains and dust ruffles) that will help make it less gender-neutral when we know if we will be welcoming a boy or a girl.

During the day I do my best to put the entire thing out of my mind, but as much as I try to ignore it I am not super successful! I'll be working on VBS set up and think, " Ooooh, man, the girls are sore!", or hold an adorable kindergartener on my lap during the worship rally and begin thinking of my one-day-baby, or take naps a few days in a row after lunch and think "maybe I'm tired because the embryo is implanting!" Sigh! But it is amazing how God knows when you need to hear from him and exactly what you need to hear! You may remember that I was participating in Beth Moore's bible study on Esther. Well, I wasn't the most faithful attender as the school year drew to a close, but that did not surprise God. He had a plan for exactly which days I missed and when I would get around to watching them at home. And I do mean get around to! There was no rhyme or reason to when I sat down to watch session seven. At least that was what I though and God smiled.

The session focused on how God turns around difficult scenarios in our lives. This particular scenario said " It's though being a woman who can balance passion with patience." Esther was passionate for the protection of her people, their rescue from impending slaughter, but she had to wait for God's timing. I am definitely in a position vs patience season. I am passionate about parenthood! I want to be a mom so much it aches, but I must wait. Beth gave Isaiah 30:18 as her turn around passage for this scenario. It says:

Yet The Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For The Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait on him. (ESV)

Hold on, it gets better! The word translated "longs" and "wait" are the same Hebrew word in the original text. Longing is a part of the wait! It is not a sin for me to ache for the child I do not yet have! The Lord aches to give me that blessing! I must wait, but I can long.  The Lord longs to bless, but waits to do so. When He waits there is always a reason, but he feels the ache! I cannot tell you what freedom this brought me. I sat on the couch, alone in my living room with video-Beth, and sobbed tears of relief. God is so gracious.

I wait on You Lord.

Here we go again!

Hello friends! It's nice to break radio silence! This past month off gave me much needed time to wrap up the school year, get Donny though a nasty tummy bug, and become optimistic about baby making again. So what does a teacher who is trying to be a mommy do with the first part of her break? Work on a nursery of course! I know, part of me thinks that is dangerous. If I don't get pregnant this time, I'll have a nursery to remind me of it several times a day. Be that as it may, it has been my way of staying positive. When I finish, I'll post pictures. It really is coming along beautifully!

I am much more nervous this time around. I think part of that may be the Clomid. It did it's job bringing up my progesterone, but I can tell I am more tense. Birth control effected me the same way. I get stressed out easily and am much more intense than usual. It's tough to remind myself that I need to cut myself some slack, that there is a reason for my mood.

A great example of this, is ovulation testing this month. The past couple of months, my cycle seemed like clockwork. I would get a positive LH surge on day 12 and ovulate on day 13. This month I started testing on day 10 as instructed.
Day 10 - negative...that's ok. I didn't expect anything but a circle on the screen.
Day 11 - circle again. Good deal.
Day 12 - circle? What? Well, I was I did have those infections and was on some antibiotics. It's weird, but I'll try not to panic.
Day 13 - CIRCLE? Ummm, I'm worried now. What's going on?
Day 14 - CIRCLE!!! This is not alright! What if I don't ovulate in June? Summer is my time window.
Day 15 - A SMILEY FACE! Praise The Lord! Whew!

So, here we go again. Tomorrow at 10:00 we will go in for our second IUI. Karen was on call so she will do the procedure for us again. That is another huge praise. She has a way of making everything exciting and relaxed. She is always smiling and positive and that helps tremendously! Please join me in praying for God's will in this procedure.