Broken

I am going out on a limb here.  It very well may break and I'll fall flat on my "tabumpty", as my mom would say, but here it goes. I'm struggling with anger. Anger at God for this whole infertility mess. I've been patient.  I've persevered. I've praised in the middle of the valley. I've prayed for a child, for this IUI to work. And what is the result? Another big fat negative. I was so sure this was the one. This was our last attempt on Clomid before moving to more aggressive treatment.

We went for our follow up today instead of just doing a home test because of the Clomid side effects this month. I can't do another month of Clomid. After letting Dr. Steinkampf know that we are down to our last three IUIs for the life of our insurance policy and the Clomid was making me sick, he decided to change my treatment. I will take a month off to let the Clomid mostly clear my system then I'll have ultrasound monitoring and daily injections of Bravelle until my follicles look mature. Then I'll give a shot to trigger ovulation and go in for an IUI 36 hours later. Sound scary? Yep, to me too.

I was hoping against hope that this IUI worked and I could avoid this intense regimen, but it didn't. I'll have to miss a lot more half days of school to go in for ultrasound monitoring. When I got the call, "I'm sorry Mrs. Mott, your test was negative," and the news began to sank in I got angry. I feel broken. God made the human reproductive system for crying out loud. Every test so far has been clear. Everyone who has done an IUI on me has said I have a "perfect cervix". I ended up sobbing out my anger against Donny's chest. He tried to point me to scripture and remind me God had a plan. I couldn't listen. I was furious.

Nothing Donny said was getting through and I could feel my guts twisting into knots. Finally I decided to go for a walk, a long angry, stompy walk. I walked to the park and started around the track. If I'd been in the middle of nowhere I would have ugly-cried the whole way, but I was sharing Leeds Memorial Park with several joggers and strolling seniors. I argued with God, or more like fussed at God as I sped around the track. I threw every reason at him why I should be pregnant after this attempt, wrapping up my brilliant tirade with, "why not now God? Why?"

"It isn't time."

The angry child pounding her fists on the chest of her King turned into a weeping, exhausted woman in the arms of her forgiving, understanding, loving Lord. I sat down on a rock outcropping and continued to cry out. The anger didn't vanish by any means, but I had permission to talk it out.  God understands. He allows us to hide in him and cry out our anger, frustration, and broken dreams.   I'm still far from ok, I'm broken. But God understands. He has a plan. This was not the time.

Fifth attempt

This morning I had my fifth IUI. It's strange, I'm not excited this time. Instead of thinking about a maybe baby, I am spending more time thinking about the next cycle. I think when I finally do get pregnant I'll just be shocked. I feel like I'm just stuck in a pattern of trying to get pregnant.

Clomid has decided not to be my friend this month. In fact, it's been downright nasty! My period cramps were worse and lasted longer.  I had bouts of nausea, one time so day I thought I was going to throw up in front of my classroom! Last night I was really dizzy and today my lower abdomen has been achy. That wasn't terribly helpful today with the IUI. Normally I cramp a little, but the achy-ness has made it more uncomfortable this afternoon. Added to that is the crazy emotional swings.  I get stressed - really stressed- easily.  I want to cry at the drop of a hat.  I'm so sick of it!

I spoke with Karen about it when she did my IUI and she said there are other meds we can try, possibly even injections. We'll go back in in two weeks and talk with Dr. Steinkampf about our options.  We are approved for 2-3 more IUIs, but our insurance will only cover 3 more IUIs. We have some major decisions coming up.

I have found a support group on Facebook this past week for women and their families who are trying to conceive through IUI.  It has been wonderful to find a community of 900+ women who are all on the same crazy roller coaster ride.  Now my Facebook feed is not just endless baby pics and pregnancy announcements from proud parents. In the mix, I now see posts from girls hopefully beginning new cycles, dealing with heartbreaking disappointment from failed cycles, and occasionally sharing a BFP to give the rest of us hope. I have never been alone in this process thanks to my God, my wonderful Donny, and my family. Now I have an entire army of fellow combatants in the infertility battle.

Thanks to all of you who have been keeping up with me through this mess.  Your calls, letters, facebook messages, emails, and words of encouragement have meant the world to me. Please keep the prayers coming! I am so thankful for each of you prayer warriors!

Unwelcome Visit

Not matter how much I make it clear she is not welcome, she comes anyway! I beg. I threaten. I  plead and still she arrives - Aunt Flo. This time she decided to be cruel and arrive a couple of days late, day 32 instead of day 30. I knew she was on her way. Two negative tests don't lie, but it still gives you a tiny ray of hope when the icky monthly visit is delayed.

So we're back to square one. New sperm ordered and Clomid refill called in. We decided to swap donors since the last three IUIs were all with the same donor. On a better note, our original donor had vials available and is listed as having successful pregnancies.

The biggest difference this time is  my reaction to the failed IUI. I am incredibly disappointed, but I am just sick of having a meltdown when I get the  bad news. I don't like the person I become, curled up  in a ball sobbing my eyes out.  I have shed a few tears, but only a few. I have to find another way to handle the negative tests. I don't know how else to handle it.

A fourth failed IUI is really starting to make me question if I am capable of getting pregnant. I know the medical tests say otherwise. HSG said I am wide open and clean. Blood work says that I have plenty of remaining eggs and my progesterone levels are good. I know in my head that I could still get pregnant in the next 2 - 3 attempts, but my heart is seriously beginning to doubt.

How many times should we try? When do we move to adoption? How often can I ask my parents and in-laws to financially help with our quest to become parents? There are a lot more questions than answers right now. My comfort is my God! I may not have the answers or know the plan, but God does. I do wish he'd give me a peek. I know there is a reason that it is taking so many disappointments. Nothing is coincidence, but is controlled my loving, holy, and wise God. One day I'll look back and be amazed. For now, I am hanging on and trusting in His plan.