Shopping for......what?

Hello friends! I am elated - and it is for that strangest reason. Can you guess why? I did some intense shopping this weekend. Hours of combing web pages and researching. What for you ask? Sperm! Yes, you heard me correctly. Reproductive tissue, as the various banks call it. This weekend was a roller coaster of strange emotions.

When we went to our first appointment with Dr. Steinkampf he gave us a list of four sperm banks that they recommend and have patients use frequently. I had no idea how complex a task choosing a donor would be. The sites work like this: you sign up then start running searches. You pick hair color, eye color, build, race, even religion. You read donor essays, go over family medical histories with a fine-toothed comb, and try to get a sense of the kind of person behind the "reproductive tissue". I ended up combing through all four sites, reading over 100 profiles, rereading them, and reading them again.

I believe I started looking on one site at 9:00 am. I had narrowed 99 potential donors down to seven at 2:00 pm. My brain was fried and my eyes were having trouble focusing by that point. I was also feeling emotionally frazzled. Donny knew I needed a break so we went to see a movie, "Captain America". Anyone who knows my Donny knows when a superhero movie is released the Motts will be going. It was excellent and a very good distraction.

When we got home, the search continued until I had narrowed all four banks down to the final few. Donny sat down on the couch, I pulled up the recliner, and we went through the profiles on-by-one. Finally, we made the choice, at 11:00 pm. At that point we were both emotionally and physically exhausted.

We overslept Sunday morning. I was still strangely stressed and down. But, God was not surprised. Four weeks ago I began a bible study on the book of Esther with some ladies at church. Last Sunday's session was about facing our fears. Beth Moore challenged us, through the television screen, to face our "what ifs", our deep fears. She pushed us to answer if________then______ statements.

Mine would go something like this:
If I don't get pregnant....if I never get pregnant, then I'll be devastated.
Ok, then what?
Well, I'll curl up in a ball and cry.
Then what?
I'll shutdown.
Alright, then what?
Um, I'll get angry.
Yes, and then?

When we continue to follow our fears, continue to ask "and then what?", if we are believers, we eventually come to the same conclusion, if anything, then GOD. Eventually we see God is God no matter what fear we face, no matter what situation we find ourselves in. Esther was in royal position in the exact time her people needed a voice to speak on their behalf. The cost of her choice could easily have cost her life, but she realized if she spoke God would receive glory. If she perished, she perished, but God would work. My fear seems so tiny in comparison, but I needed the message. If I continue to prayerfully proceed and walk this path, no matter what else happens, I am going to give God glory.

So, this evening we did it! We ordered the sperm. It will be in my doctor's office this week. And, to God be the glory, I am excited. I am elated. No matter what happens, if ANYTHING then GOD!