Not matter how much I make it clear she is not welcome, she comes anyway! I beg. I threaten. I plead and still she arrives - Aunt Flo. This time she decided to be cruel and arrive a couple of days late, day 32 instead of day 30. I knew she was on her way. Two negative tests don't lie, but it still gives you a tiny ray of hope when the icky monthly visit is delayed.
So we're back to square one. New sperm ordered and Clomid refill called in. We decided to swap donors since the last three IUIs were all with the same donor. On a better note, our original donor had vials available and is listed as having successful pregnancies.
The biggest difference this time is my reaction to the failed IUI. I am incredibly disappointed, but I am just sick of having a meltdown when I get the bad news. I don't like the person I become, curled up in a ball sobbing my eyes out. I have shed a few tears, but only a few. I have to find another way to handle the negative tests. I don't know how else to handle it.
A fourth failed IUI is really starting to make me question if I am capable of getting pregnant. I know the medical tests say otherwise. HSG said I am wide open and clean. Blood work says that I have plenty of remaining eggs and my progesterone levels are good. I know in my head that I could still get pregnant in the next 2 - 3 attempts, but my heart is seriously beginning to doubt.
How many times should we try? When do we move to adoption? How often can I ask my parents and in-laws to financially help with our quest to become parents? There are a lot more questions than answers right now. My comfort is my God! I may not have the answers or know the plan, but God does. I do wish he'd give me a peek. I know there is a reason that it is taking so many disappointments. Nothing is coincidence, but is controlled my loving, holy, and wise God. One day I'll look back and be amazed. For now, I am hanging on and trusting in His plan.
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