The wait and the longing

As I write today I am sitting at my dining table with a big mug of Bengal spice tea, trying to avoid thinking about the clutter of life that has taken up residence on this table top. You know the place. The place in your house where you walk in the door and drop things. You tell yourself, "I'll get to that eventually." Then you spend weeks pretending it's not there. My mind is like that table right now. I am now a bit more than half-way through the two-week-wait. I have mental clutter stacked sky-high on my mind-table. I want so very badly for he IUI to have worked this time.  I find myself browsing the kids section on pintrest, reading mommy blogs, and over analyzing my physical symptoms. Oh, and the nursery is pretty much done, minus a few items (like curtains and dust ruffles) that will help make it less gender-neutral when we know if we will be welcoming a boy or a girl.

During the day I do my best to put the entire thing out of my mind, but as much as I try to ignore it I am not super successful! I'll be working on VBS set up and think, " Ooooh, man, the girls are sore!", or hold an adorable kindergartener on my lap during the worship rally and begin thinking of my one-day-baby, or take naps a few days in a row after lunch and think "maybe I'm tired because the embryo is implanting!" Sigh! But it is amazing how God knows when you need to hear from him and exactly what you need to hear! You may remember that I was participating in Beth Moore's bible study on Esther. Well, I wasn't the most faithful attender as the school year drew to a close, but that did not surprise God. He had a plan for exactly which days I missed and when I would get around to watching them at home. And I do mean get around to! There was no rhyme or reason to when I sat down to watch session seven. At least that was what I though and God smiled.

The session focused on how God turns around difficult scenarios in our lives. This particular scenario said " It's though being a woman who can balance passion with patience." Esther was passionate for the protection of her people, their rescue from impending slaughter, but she had to wait for God's timing. I am definitely in a position vs patience season. I am passionate about parenthood! I want to be a mom so much it aches, but I must wait. Beth gave Isaiah 30:18 as her turn around passage for this scenario. It says:

Yet The Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For The Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait on him. (ESV)

Hold on, it gets better! The word translated "longs" and "wait" are the same Hebrew word in the original text. Longing is a part of the wait! It is not a sin for me to ache for the child I do not yet have! The Lord aches to give me that blessing! I must wait, but I can long.  The Lord longs to bless, but waits to do so. When He waits there is always a reason, but he feels the ache! I cannot tell you what freedom this brought me. I sat on the couch, alone in my living room with video-Beth, and sobbed tears of relief. God is so gracious.

I wait on You Lord.