BFN

Well, I wondered which was worse, the two week wait or waiting on your own to see if you start. Well my natural pregnancy test just yielded a BIG FAT NEGATIVE (BFN) after 16 nerve-wracking days of waiting. I can now confidently say that waiting on your own is worse! At least with a follow up doctor's appointment there is a date that will give you unquestionable answer. You get the devastating news and deal with it at one time.

When you are holding your breath and waiting you have multiple blows. I did a pregnancy test on Monday with the only test I had left at the house. It was four months out of date. The results were a clear negative. I had a cry over it, but also told myself that it could be wrong. It was early. The test was old. Maybe it was wrong?  I toyed with getting another pack of tests, but it was the end of the month. I needed to wait until payday before I bought anything.

Tuesday I didn't expect any changes so it was fine, but the next few days were a different story. Wednesday night was pretty sleepless. I stared at the ceiling and prayed and over analyzed ever little pinch or pain. Thursday was worse. It was the day of my expected period. I made it through nearly the entire day. I was letting myself hope. Then right before I got in my bath, there it was, nature's negative pregnancy test. I fell apart. I cried in the bath. I cried on the phone with Mom. I cried on Donny in bed.

Thankfully sleep finally came, but in a way sleep is just a way of hiding from the pain. I let myself stay in bed until noon today. I wanted to stay in bed all day, but it won't change the fact that I am not pregnant. I have to get up and deal with the pain. The cramps are just an echo of the mental and emotional pain. I really don't know how many more times I can handle this.

I'll know more about the next steps after my follow-up on the 6th. I know Dr. Steinkampf wants me to do the x-Ray dye test to be sure the I don't have any blockages that could be preventing pregnancy. Everything will be so much more complicated because school starts next week. I only miss a day when I am deathly sick, but that won't be the case this year. I'll be missing for tests and procedures every month. I really hoped I would be pregnant before the school year started.

God is in control. There is a plan. God's plan is better than my plan. It will be worth the pain. It will be worth the tears and loss of sleep. Lord help me deal with this pain.