Infertility, a common thread

This experience of infertility is a scary, emotional roller coaster. It can seem like you and you husband are the only ones in the world dealing with the peaks of hope and valleys of sadness. Going in a baby store, seeing a pregnant mommy waddle by, or hearing of a friend's joyful news is enough to send the strongest woman into tears. What we forget is that those ladies have a story as well, and it may not be so different from our own. One of the blogs I frequent for encouragement during this journey is The Stirrup Queens. As I was browsing I came across an old conversation about this very issue. Those of us dealing with infertility need a way to letting others in our situation know. So this is what they came up with (direct quote from The Stirrup Queens).

Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.

In addition, the seeds represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, treatments, adoption, third-party reproduction, or even choosing to live child-free.
The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.

Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasing this pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others.

So I just went by Wal-Mart this morning and bought my #814 floss! I want to not only encourage people in my shoes on my blog, but with my actions! I am still in the limbo of my two-week-wait so I won't know for a while yet if I am pregnant or not, but I plan to make my bracelet this afternoon and wear it proudly. One day I hope to waddle around with a big-ole belly and my bracelet on my wrist. Not a painful reminder to an infertile family, but instead a symbol of hope.

Third Time's the ?

Well, I have now made three tries at composing this post! I used to frequent the blogs of other women struggling with infertility and shake my head at the negative tone and irritability I found. Now I understand! Without the assurance that God has a plan for a hope and future (Jeremiah 29:11), I would be a negative, bitter person too. 

Today I had my third IUI. I should be excited and hopeful again, but I have to admit I am strangely low. It hurts so much when I get my hopes up only to have them crushed. Maybe the third time WILL be the charm. I certainly would love that since school is about to get rolling again. I really wanted to get most of my first trimester out of the way while I could be off my feet and rest. 

Our appointment this morning took a little longer than the previous appointments because they were short staffed and the waiting room had a steady stream of patients in and out. Karen and Dr. Steinkampf were the ones running the lab. As Karen put it, "I've gotten a promotion to lab tech and Dr. Steinkampf is on sperm duty!" Karen did a good job drawing the blood, but said I was a bit stingy with my blood. I've got little-bitty veins. Then it was back to the waiting room and more waiting. It was interesting watching the patients come and go. Some sat side-by-side with a supportive husband. Others came in and out quickly by themselves, obviously taking an hour off work and in a hurry to get back. I couldn't help but wonder what each of their stories were and how they were handling the ups and downs of attempting to conceive a child. I am immeasurable blessed to have Donny by my side! He is my hero and I can't imagine doing this without him.

When we were finally called back, it was to one of the smaller side rooms because the others were full. Dr. Steinkampf did the insemination this time, very quickly and professionally. I have to admit I missed Karen's bubbly, positive demeanor. Dr. Steinkampf is kind, but business-like. Donny was not brought around to "send in the clowns" this time. "If you do not get pregnant this time, I want to have an x-Ray dye test done to check for any blockage," Dr. Steinkampf informed me. Instead of thinking, "this time it will work. I won't need it." I found myself mentally accepting that I would have to do the test.

Then, when we went to check out and make our two-week follow-up appointment, we were informed that there were no available appointments in the last week of July. I would have to come the first week in August. School starts the first week in August. Also, that turns my two-week wait into a three week wait! I tried to explain that school was starting, but I just got a blank stare. I finally settled on the 6th since the 4th is our first teacher day back and the 5th I have professional development until 3:00. The latest appointment they have each day is 3:20. The 7th is the first day of school and there was no way I could leave early that day or the 8th. Grrrrrr.

I guess my wait is really only extended a day or two because, if I am not pregnant, I'll just start my period. That's always how it works - Doctor's appointment, negative test, then the next day Aunt Flo. So I will know by my appointment because I will have either missed my period or finished it! I think that I'll be using home pregnancy tests on the 29th, 30th, and 31st. 

Thank goodness for my wonderful, supportive friends! This past failed cycle was rough, but I was surrounded by an outpouring of support. I was covered in prayers. A friend from college who has been through the same valley and is now the mother of the most adorable, beautiful, adopted daughter wrote me a long letter of encouragement. Another wrote text messages back and forth with me when I didn't want to get out of bed to give me hope. She has also been in my position and is mommy of a daughter and son. A card arrived by mail from a third friend, covered on every square inch with love and empathy, reliving her own battle with infertility. She has a daughter and son as well, both of whom I was honored to teach. I have a huge circle of friends that have covered me in prayers, hugs, and support.

Thank you to each and every one of you! Without my Great God and all of you I would not be able to  face this incredible and challenging journey.

Even in the Valley

In choir we sing a song that says, "Even in the valley, God is good. Even in the valley, he is faithful and true. He'll carry his children through like He said He would. Even in the valley, God is good." Each time I think I spy the end of this valley, the walls of stone close in again. I need God to carry this child of his for awhile.

We had our follow up appointment for the second IUI attempt today. I felt so good about it. My symptoms seemed to line up with everything I'd read about pregnancy. When I recounted them to Dr. Steinkampf, he nodded and smiled on a pleased manner. He even told the nurse when he took me back for blood work that he thought it very likely I was pregnant. On the way home I held my phone in my lap so I'd be sure to hear the call with my results. About 15 minutes after we got home the phone rang. I snatched it up, expecting good results, but nervous nonetheless to receive the verdict. The blood test was negative.

I've cried some, but I think I am still in shock. I was so sure that it had worked this time. My chest is still sore for crying out loud. My pants are all too tight. No period. Just wait, it will start this evening and that will be it. I'll just be a chunky girl with big boobs who is not pregnant.

We'll try again next cycle just like this one. I 'll take the Clomid on days 2-6 of my cycle and start ovulation testing again on day 10. Please pray with us that it works in July. August will bring school again and stress. That is one thing I have heard again and again - stress is not good for conception. Also, this is not an inexpensive endeavor. One more try will be all we can handle. Of course both my parents and Donny's would help if we asked, but we'd rather not have to ask.

God is going to receive glory in this some how. I am having a hard time seeing the glory in this darkness, but He promised to carry me through. I am safe in his arms and he doesn't mind if I cry.

The wait and the longing

As I write today I am sitting at my dining table with a big mug of Bengal spice tea, trying to avoid thinking about the clutter of life that has taken up residence on this table top. You know the place. The place in your house where you walk in the door and drop things. You tell yourself, "I'll get to that eventually." Then you spend weeks pretending it's not there. My mind is like that table right now. I am now a bit more than half-way through the two-week-wait. I have mental clutter stacked sky-high on my mind-table. I want so very badly for he IUI to have worked this time.  I find myself browsing the kids section on pintrest, reading mommy blogs, and over analyzing my physical symptoms. Oh, and the nursery is pretty much done, minus a few items (like curtains and dust ruffles) that will help make it less gender-neutral when we know if we will be welcoming a boy or a girl.

During the day I do my best to put the entire thing out of my mind, but as much as I try to ignore it I am not super successful! I'll be working on VBS set up and think, " Ooooh, man, the girls are sore!", or hold an adorable kindergartener on my lap during the worship rally and begin thinking of my one-day-baby, or take naps a few days in a row after lunch and think "maybe I'm tired because the embryo is implanting!" Sigh! But it is amazing how God knows when you need to hear from him and exactly what you need to hear! You may remember that I was participating in Beth Moore's bible study on Esther. Well, I wasn't the most faithful attender as the school year drew to a close, but that did not surprise God. He had a plan for exactly which days I missed and when I would get around to watching them at home. And I do mean get around to! There was no rhyme or reason to when I sat down to watch session seven. At least that was what I though and God smiled.

The session focused on how God turns around difficult scenarios in our lives. This particular scenario said " It's though being a woman who can balance passion with patience." Esther was passionate for the protection of her people, their rescue from impending slaughter, but she had to wait for God's timing. I am definitely in a position vs patience season. I am passionate about parenthood! I want to be a mom so much it aches, but I must wait. Beth gave Isaiah 30:18 as her turn around passage for this scenario. It says:

Yet The Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For The Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait on him. (ESV)

Hold on, it gets better! The word translated "longs" and "wait" are the same Hebrew word in the original text. Longing is a part of the wait! It is not a sin for me to ache for the child I do not yet have! The Lord aches to give me that blessing! I must wait, but I can long.  The Lord longs to bless, but waits to do so. When He waits there is always a reason, but he feels the ache! I cannot tell you what freedom this brought me. I sat on the couch, alone in my living room with video-Beth, and sobbed tears of relief. God is so gracious.

I wait on You Lord.

Here we go again!

Hello friends! It's nice to break radio silence! This past month off gave me much needed time to wrap up the school year, get Donny though a nasty tummy bug, and become optimistic about baby making again. So what does a teacher who is trying to be a mommy do with the first part of her break? Work on a nursery of course! I know, part of me thinks that is dangerous. If I don't get pregnant this time, I'll have a nursery to remind me of it several times a day. Be that as it may, it has been my way of staying positive. When I finish, I'll post pictures. It really is coming along beautifully!

I am much more nervous this time around. I think part of that may be the Clomid. It did it's job bringing up my progesterone, but I can tell I am more tense. Birth control effected me the same way. I get stressed out easily and am much more intense than usual. It's tough to remind myself that I need to cut myself some slack, that there is a reason for my mood.

A great example of this, is ovulation testing this month. The past couple of months, my cycle seemed like clockwork. I would get a positive LH surge on day 12 and ovulate on day 13. This month I started testing on day 10 as instructed.
Day 10 - negative...that's ok. I didn't expect anything but a circle on the screen.
Day 11 - circle again. Good deal.
Day 12 - circle? What? Well, I was I did have those infections and was on some antibiotics. It's weird, but I'll try not to panic.
Day 13 - CIRCLE? Ummm, I'm worried now. What's going on?
Day 14 - CIRCLE!!! This is not alright! What if I don't ovulate in June? Summer is my time window.
Day 15 - A SMILEY FACE! Praise The Lord! Whew!

So, here we go again. Tomorrow at 10:00 we will go in for our second IUI. Karen was on call so she will do the procedure for us again. That is another huge praise. She has a way of making everything exciting and relaxed. She is always smiling and positive and that helps tremendously! Please join me in praying for God's will in this procedure.

Waiting for the Rain

I must admit, I have no idea how to write this post. I had a plan in mind: talk about the two week wait and all it entailed, wax eloquent about the encouragement I received from friends/family/even strangers, describe the doctor's visit in detail, then cue the drum roll and the big news. I have no more plan and certainly do not want a drum roll. I am not pregnant. There have been many tears shed this afternoon and lots of long tight hugs from my husband. Donny has been my "Jesus with skin on". That's what I used to call it when my Mom and Dad would step in to hold me as a little girl. I knew Jesus was there, but I needed someone to be "Jesus with skin on".

I began this blog in hopes that it might encourage another family that is struggling with infertility. That means sharing honestly, even when honesty hurts. So, I'll try to share a bit about the past two weeks. I had heard from other girls about the two week wait. You think, "two weeks, no problem!" Quickly it became apparent that this was no normal wait. When you wait for Christmas or your birthday, the outcome is guaranteed. You know it will happen and you are not looking for physical symptoms!

During the first week a twinge could prompt despair -"that felt like ovulation! We missed it by 4 days!"- or excitement " oh, good! There was another one. Maybe it's implantation cramps." That kept up most of the week. During that week I got a sweet encouraging call from my friend Jennifer, a sister in Christ who has been through the same battle with infertility. It was exactly what I needed a confirmation that I was NOT going nuts and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will always be grateful for that call!

The second week was tougher. Wednesday at 2:00 in the morning, I woke up to cramps. Those familiar if-you-don't-get-up-and-put-on-a-pad-you'll-be-sorry cramps that always herald mother nature's monthly gift. That was the last straw. I began to cry. Donny rolled over and asked, "Are you ok?" The dam broke. I sobbed into his shoulder, "I feel like I am about to start my period and if I start my period I am not pregnant and it didn't work!"

God is so sovereign. That morning at school I met with my prayer group. They prayed for me, cried with me, and hugged me. Knowing that they were there for me and knew what I was going though helped so much! I made a divinely appointed pocket dial to my sister Faith. She called me back, and hearing her voice was wonderful. She really is my best girl friend. Church that night was also very needed. More hugs and encouragement from my wonderful sisters in Christ.

Finally, Thursday, May 1st - today - arrived. Before I even left for school, Faith called to pray with me. Heather, my coworker for the past 5 years, texted me to let me know she was praying. When I arrived at school and was doing my morning set-up routine, Margie came into my room with a verse for me. She had stumbled across it this morning in her quiet time. It was the same one that my mom has been praying. Praying that God would bless our prayer for his rain of blessing with showers in abundance.

I left school at 11:30 and came home. Donny and I got lunch at Logan's and I started to relax a bit. We drove in to the doctor's office. I was nervous, but just glad that soon we'd have an answer. Oh, I couldn't have been more wrong. It turns out, they don't just do blood work then walk in and deliver the verdict. Dr. Steinkampf came in, reviewed our past visits, my blood work, and then dashed into our plans for the next step if my test was negative. I was shell shocked. Blood was drawn and before I knew it we were walking to the elevator. I almost lost it on the ride down. I had no answer, just a carbon copy of a check out sheet and a prescription for Clomid. The next step if I was not pregnant.
I sent Jennifer a text to try and sort things out. It turns out, you have to wait for a phone call with the results. The following two hours were worse than the entire two weeks. I literally sat on the back steps and rocked back and forth for part of it.

After my nerves reached a fevered pitch, the call came. Not pregnant. I tried to stay calm to write down the directions for the next cycle, Dr. Steinkampf had already told us, but I was waiting for or long awaited yes or no answer. My voice broke and the tears came. Poor nurse, I cannot imagine having to tell over-emotional women that the long wait has been fruitless.
I curled up in my chair at the table and sobbed. Needless to say, much of the evening was more of the same. I know God has a plan and a reason it did not work this time. That doesn't make it hurt less.

So, here is the next step in our journey. Dr. Steinkampf has proscribed a test cycle on Clomid to try and improve my progesterone levels and my ovulation. We won't do an insemination in May, just monitoring. If the tests look good in May, we will resume insemination in June. We are praying for rain and waiting expectantly for God's deluge.

Amazing what a smiley face can do!

Hello wonderful friends! The past couple of days have been very exciting, all because of a little smiley face. When we had our first appointment with Dr. Steinkampf  he gave us a sheet detailing the procedure for intrauterine insemination with donor sperm. We have been carefully following the directions. Start my period and purchase sperm. Check. Arrange for shipment of sperm to Alabama Fertility Specialists. Check. On day 10 of my cycle call the office to let them know I am planning to do an IUI this month. Check. Also on day 10 start doing ovulation tests between 11:00 and 2:00 daily.  Monday was my day 10.

Testing timing proved to be a bit of a challenge. My class has lunch from 11:35-12:00 so I knew that was my only possible time window. Thankfully my sweet friend Tonya Adams agreed to meet my class in the hall and walk them to the lunchroom so that I could pop into the bathroom and test. The clinic recommended the digital Clear Blue test. When no LH surge is detected you get a empty circle. When the surge is present you get a smiley face. The tests I did in March had been positive on the 22nd so I was expecting to test for several days and see a blank circle.
Monday - circle
Tuesday - circle
Wednesday - SMILEY FACE!

I was blown away! Shocked and excited I almost jogged back to my classroom to call the doctor's office. The instructions said on the day the LH surge was detected to call before 2:00 to schedule the IUI for the following day. Wow! I couldn't believe it and I have to admit, I was worried it might be a false positive. I have not been feeling great this week because I'd managed to pick up a cold and had been dealing with some "feminine itch". I was really worried that those two issues could mess up the procedure. Isn't it amazing how, in the middle of something wonderful, we can let doubts plague and worry us? When I called the front desk, it took a couple of tries to get through. When I reached the receptionist and told her I had gotten a positive ovulation test she said, "Yay! Ok, you will need to come in tomorrow!" Wow! It all became so very real!

It was fun to be able to join my teacher friends in the lunchroom and announce, "I got a smiley face!" Then I wrote Donny a quick text to give him the good news. I was thankfully able to contact a sub and stayed late at school putting together sub plans - never a small undertaking! The procedure doesn't' take all that long, but with my cold I knew I could use a day to rest anyway.

Today was THE day. In the car on the way to the office Donny asked me if I wanted to pray. He grabbed my hand, I closed my eyes and prayed for God's will and guidance. I prayed that God would bless our procedure the first time if it was his timing and thanked him for all the people that were lifting us up (THAT'S ALL OF YOU,  FRIENDS!). We had a 10:00 appointment so we got there at 9:40ish. It began with a visit to lab to draw more blood and confirm that I was ovulating. That of course meant another visit with Mr. Sperm the stress ball. It lasted a little longer than I would have liked. They couldn't get the vein in my left arm, so they went to the right one and got it. Ow. On our way back to the waiting room, we ran into Karen, the nurse practitioner we spoke with on our first visit. She greeted us with, "it's my favorite couple!" and huge smile. She wrapped me up in a warm hug. Then she asked my permission to hug Donny too. She really set any butterflies in my tummy to rest.

We sat in the waiting room for a bit, holding hands and talking. A nurse poked her head through the door and called us back to a room. She gave me instructions and informed us that Karen would be in in a few minutes to do the insemination. That was exciting news! I purposefully go to female OBGYN doctors. It just makes an awkward situation a bit less awkward. I feel very comfortable with Karen so that made me feel better about the procedure. It is amazing how long a few minutes feel when you are sitting on a table with stirrups adorned with a stylish paper drape. Donny tried to help me stay relaxed, he grabbed my hand and prayed for God's blessing on the procedure.

After a bit Karen rapped lightly on the door and entered the room chirping, "let's make a baby!" She had me confirm that the vial of sperm was the correct one. It was pretty crazy to think that the pinkie-fingertip-sized drop of milky liquid was the sperm that could make me a mommy and Donny a daddy.   Karen drew the droplet of sperm up into a syringe equipped with a catheter and had me scooch into place. She expertly did her work threading the catheter into place, then she motioned to Donny, "Come do this insemination."  It brought tears to my eyes! To allow Donny to truly be part of his child's conception was so kind and thoughtful. I will always be grateful to Karen for that! She put the syringe in Donny's hand and said,"Ok, send in the clowns!"

That was all there was to it. I lay back on the table and she gave us our next instructions. In a week I have to do a blood progesterone serum test. In two weeks we will go back to see Dr. Steinkampf. In two weeks we will learn if we are pregnant! Now all we have to do is wait. I am so very glad that I have school to keep me busy during the week and prevent me from obsessing. There is about a 20% chance that we will be pregnant. Please keep praying that God's will is done in our family! I will keep all of you up to date!